Imagine eating a dozen tacos from Taco Bell in a single sitting. Some of us might have approached, or even surpassed, that number over the course of a long, hungover Sunday. Whomst among us hasn’t ordered a Taco Party Pack for individual consumption? It’s always a great idea at the time but you know it’s just a matter of moments before your gut startles rumbling as if the Jumanji stampede is about to run a 4.4 40 straight out of your asshole. Alan Parrish be damned, that mucho grande, extra spicy secretion will explode out of your body with the force of 1,000 captive rhinos.
Now, imagine cramming those very same 12 Taco Bell tacos down your gullet with a 60-minute timer on. And now, imagine tripling that amount of tacos within the same time frame. Welcome to Hell.
That’s what hundreds of thousands of fans, haters, loved ones, strangers, degenerates and women witnessed on Monday, July 13, 20Quarantine when Donny Baby Kid buckled in for his second food challenge LIVE on Twitch. Considering the way he cruised through the Big Mac Challenge in June, DBK’s Army was supremely confident that the big guy would scarf 50 tacos (25 hard shell, 25 soft shell) in one American hour.
I had reached out to DBK a day or two before the spectacle, wondering if it was going to be awkward when he pulled up to the Taco Bell drive thru on Monday morning and asked for 50 tacos. He left me the following voicemail:
“No. It won’t be awkward. You know what’s going to be awkward? When people that think I can’t do it end up realizing, ‘Oh my God, he can do it. I should have believed him the entire time.’ So yeah, no awkwardness. Awkward my nuts. Put that on the record.”
Per his request, the record will now, and forever, reflect that DBK was so sure of himself heading into battle.
He kicked off the challenge with a unique approach, sandwiching a soft shell taco with a hard shell, thus killing dos pajaros con una piedra (two birds, one stone). He maintained this technique for much of the challenge until his body visibly started to shut down, which was right around the halfway mark. In a surprise to literally no one, the Twitch chat really came alive once DBK’s painful moans and groans became more frequent. Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets the chat going like a man drowning himself in grade-F meat and cheese scraps.
For those who weren’t fortunate enough to watch the full live stream (raw, unedited version here), please enjoy this brief photo recap:
Look at that million dollar smile! Reminds me of the look on Squints Palledorous’ face right after he dared to put the moves on Wendy Peffercorn during the memorable summer of 1962.
Much like Squints, DBK knew what he was doing all along. Retching like a dinosaur in heat, dry heaving, and drooling into a flower pot is exactly what the people came to see. (Fun Fact: This was not his first time puking into a flower pot. He once unloaded into one of those giant pots on Patchogue’s main strip after a bad batch of arugula salad and 400 bud lights.)
As fate would have it, DBK hit his wall at 35 tacos. Although he came up short of the 50-taco goal, and while he may not even make it through the week (because of the sodium), he did put forth an incredibly inspiring, and thoroughly entertaining, performance. There is no shame in eating 35 tacos in 60 minutes. It is unshameable. Beyond reproach. I speak for the entire DBK Army when I say nobody is even the least bit disappointed in the way things played out.
Naturally, many of you may be most curious about the aftermath of Taco Hell. I touched base with DBK late Monday night to see how he was holding up. Was he riding the vomit comet all day? Did the explosive bowel movements begin? Had he experienced any happiness at all?
“First off, 50 tacos sounds a lot easier on paper,” says DBK. “Maybe I was overconfident since the BMs [Big Mac Challenge]. At any rate, I feel about 5x worse compared to the Big Macs. I played about 3 games of NBA 2K and then edited a portion of the video and called it quits. Been laid up since. Had about a gallon of water or probably more. Can’t quench my thirst.”
“Just the vomit on screen, no dumps. Nothing happy has happened since.”
Thank you again, DBK, for your heroics and dedication to the game. Until next time.