I logged onto twitter on the morning of May 11, 20Quarantine to learn that my good friend, Jim Fuoco, still had not returned text(s) from my other good friend, Mike Salvatore. People are starting to wonder. Something fishy is going on.
As everyone already knows, Mike first called Jim out on twitter earlier this week with the following question, “Why hasn’t @JimFuoco answered my texts?” Today, Mike updated his 193 followers on the situation: “Day 3 of @JimFuoco not answering my texts. Where are you hiding?”
Where is Jim hiding? Is he even hiding at all? And why hasn’t he answered Mike’s texts? Do Jim and Mike text frequently? Most importantly, what is Mike texting Jim that is so urgent?
In regards to the latter, here are the TOP 10 most plausible scenarios:
- Looking for a ride to Davis for MDW. One of the only reasons to contact Jim Fuoco is to see if he’ll be around to give you a ride to the beach for the holiday weekend. As such, this is prime time for Jim’s inbox and there’s a chance Mike Sal’s texts got lost in the jumble. And there’s an even better chance that Jim is simply ignoring said requests.
- Fantasy Football Trade Proposal. Anybody who knows Mike Sal knows that he loves, and I mean loves, to wheel and deal. There is no off-season when it comes to fielding calls about Devin Singletary or Zach Ertz.
- Reese’s Softball. Covid-19 may have cancelled Island Slowpitch fore the foreseeable future, but I can assure you longtime Reese’s head coach Steve Fuoco is planning to host practices and or tryouts/hazings in the coming weeks. It’s reasonable to think the lefty is looking to get some hacks in with the Reese’s gang at Shorefront. Speaking of Shorefront, I have hit great, big, over-the-fence home runs there.
- Fuoco Memorial Golf Tournament. Perhaps Mike is inquiring about the 51st annual Fuoco Memorial Golf Tournament coming up in September (Lord willing). Maybe Sal would like to participate, donate or volunteer his time for a good cause? Considering he is an alleged non-essential degenerate gambler, his time and money will likely be better spent at the OTB.
5. Wellness Check. Mike is genuinely concerned about Jim’s overall health and just wants to check in with an old pal. If that is the case, I will be very upset that Jim got a wellness check before me.
6. Computer Issues. This is my dark horse candidate. If Mike’s laptop crashed he may be desperate enough to contact the Human F9 himself.
7. American Flag Bathing Suits. Just like computer problem-solving, Jim is the go-to source for your 4th of July apparel. If you’re hoping to come out of quarantine with a brand new star spangled banana hammock “The Captain” will gladly point you in the right direction while humming God Bless America through a megaphone.
8. Josina Anderson. Just wants to chat about some of Josina Anderson’s latest breaking news, such as, “Free agent CB Jonathan Joseph just texted me: “Hey. Gonna sign with the Titans.”
9. Attempt To Overthrow The Commish. This is the most unlikely of all, but it would be very remiss of me not to mention how these two could be secretly plotting to remove me as commissioner of TLOEG. Again, this is the most unlikely.
10. I Can’t Think Of 10 Reasons Why Mike Would Possibly Text Jim.
Whatever the case may be, I hope Jim and Mike start texting again soon. I look forward to seeing them, and the rest of my friends, in the very near future!