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Wrestlemania Hollywood: The Tiger King vs Rob Gronkowski

On March 11th, 2020 reports surfaced that former New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski had officially signed with the WWE. Less than a month later at Wrestlemania 36, Gronkowski became a WWE champion by pinning his longtime buddy, Mojo Rawley, to win the 24/7 title. This is all very real, you can look it up.

What happens next will plant the seeds for a much larger, much more dangerous feud, culminating in a ferocious clash to the death at Wrestlemania 37 in Hollywood.

tenor

First, Gronkowski will have a brief run with the 24/7 strap before taking a loss. It doesn’t matter who he drops the title to. The main thing is – for the sake of what I’m trying to do right now – Gronk needs to move forward with Mojo Rawley as his tag team partner.

The fist-pumping, beer-chugging neanderthals will go on to squash local talent for weeks before ultimately drawing the attention of NXT Tag Team Champions Timothy Thatcher and Matt Riddle. Those are not characters in a Harper Lee novel, although ‘Timothy Thatcher’ definitely sounds like a guy who might befriend Jem Finch. Riddle is best described by his nickname: The Original Bro.

giphy

The absolute goofiest war of words ensues between Riddle and Gronk, paving the way for a “LumberBro” Match at SummerSlam in Boston.

A LumberBro Match is just like a traditional Lumberjack Match, in which a handful of WWE superstars surround the ring, keeping the competitors from fleeing the scene. The LumberBros will consist of guys like Bo Dallas, No Way Jose, the Singh Brothers and Apollo Crews. You don’t need to know who any of those people are. Each will be outfitted in EDC-approved gear such as sunglasses, bandanas, headbands, flip flops, glow sticks and such. It’s awful, but it’s happening.

Moments before the match, cameras pan to Gronk in the locker room, where he is pitching the benefits of CBD oil and plugging his partnership with CBD Medic. The TD Garden pops at the sight of their beloved tight end on the jumbotron as he *literally* shouts in Mojo’s face:

“I’m not saying you put this on and you’re going to be healed! But you can apply this and it’ll help manage the pain, and then you can get treatment and it’ll be a lot less stressful to the body!!!”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK - AUGUST 27: Rob Gronkowski at a press conference announced he is becoming an advocate for CBD and will partner with Abacus Health Products, maker of CBDMEDIC Topical Pain Products on August 27, 2019 in New York City. (Photo by Ilya S. Savenok/Getty Images for CBDMEDIC)

(Ilya S. Savenok/Getty Images)

Once all the Dudes, Bros and LumberBros have taken their respective positions in and around the ring, the action is as predictable as any wrestling fan would expect. Thatcher and Riddle throttle Mojo Rawley to open the match before he is finally able to make the hot tag. Gronk dishes out a shit storm of sloppy clotheslines and haymakers, one of which inadvertently catches Thatcher squarely on the kisser. Timmy boy rolls under the ropes and into the ringside area where he is quickly abused by the likes of Curtis Axel and Shelton Benjamin. Hornswoggle nibbles at his calf. Meanwhile, Mojo climbs to the top rope and launches himself onto the melee.

The referee becomes distracted by the events that are unfolding outside of the squared-circle, allowing Riddle to throw N.O-Xplode powder (blue raspberry) directly into Gronk’s eyes. The three-time Super Bowl champ drops to his knees, eyes stinging like the dickens. Riddle advances on Gronk looking to secure the victory – but he is stifled by a perfectly placed, blind, sack tap. Incredible precision. The crowd goes WILD. A portly woman in a faded No. 87 jersey and Patriots-colored zubaz issues a primal cry of approval and pounds 24 ounces of ice cold Busch! With momentum now in his favor, Gronk prepares to spike Riddle’s head into the canvas.

Just then, a guttural roar fills the TD Garden. Is that Sable’s entrance music? It certainly sounds like it! Are we about to see some puppies?! No. We’re about to see some fucking TIGERS!

↓Press Play and let it ride↓

It’s The Tiger King aka Joseph Maldanado-Passage aka Joe Exotic! And he has brought one of his feline friends! The sold-out crowd erupts with the excitement of 19,000 sardine oil-starved bengals as Joe Exotic (who had recently been pardoned by President Trump, because why not) makes his way down the ramp. I mean, they’re having more fun than a barrel of monkeys!

But when Exotic and the tiger make it to the ringside area, all hell breaks loose.

The 500-pound cat (an average weight for a male tiger) instantly turns heel (wrestling term for bad guy). He mauls Mojo Rawley to death, as well as a 38-year old slacker wearing a Kevin Youkilis shirsey. The Spanish announce table never stood a chance, either.

im-never-going-to-financially-recover-from-this-joe-exotic-tiger-king-meme

An alarming amount of spectators pull out their phones to film the carnage while thousands of others rush to the exits. Amidst the chaos, Gronk locks eyes with the Tiger King, who motions a cut throat gesture and chuckles a raspy, villainous cackle. This son of a bitch! Gronk is desperate to attack but, considering the gates of hell have just been opened, elects to stand down.

All told, it is an absolute bloodbath inside the TD Garden. SummerSlam 2020 will mark the last time that WWE Chairman Vincent Kennedy McMahon ever sanctions a LumberBro match on American soil.

Mojo Tiger

Despite the slaughter that took place at SummerSlam, Vince decides to book Joe Exotic for the very next night. The ratings are off the charts.

During the closing segment of Monday Night RAW, Joe emerges and attempts to explain why he and his tiger ran roughshod all over the WWE Universe. He is likely high on ketamine and makes little to no sense as he shouts over the growingly boisterous crowd. That said, he still manages to reveal that his beef with Rob Gronkowski stems from Gronk’s role as The White Tiger on FOX’s singing competition show, “The Masked Singer.”

It appears there’s only room for one tiger-inspired entertainer and Exotic vows to get revenge at all costs. As we all learned during the Tiger King Netflix series, that cost could be as high as $3,000.

Questions about Gronk’s future in WWE wouldn’t be answered until the Survivor Series PPV in late November. Appearing via satellite on an episode of SmackDown, Gronk announces that he will be hosting the highly anticipated event in Dallas, Texas. Furthermore, he issues an open challenge to the Tiger King. Any time. Any place.

When the mulleted-madman fails to answer the call at Survivor Series, Gronkowski declares that he is ready to move on with his in-ring career and officially enters the 30-man Royal Rumble match in January.

Royal Rumble, January 2021

Gronk enters the battle royal at No. 27, a spot that has birthed more winners than any other slot (John Studd 1989, Yokozuna 1993, Bret Hart 1994, Stone Cold 2001). After a few minutes on the inside, the ring has been cleared of all but three competitors – John Cena, Roman Reigns and Rob Gronkowski. At this point, people in the crowd are literally vomiting all over the people in front of them, and those people begin doing the technicolor yawn on the people in front of them. This continues at a feverish pace until the entire arena turns into a humungous game of puke dominos.

(FYI – a good majority of wrestling fans simply can not stomach the thought of Cena or Reigns headlining another Wrestlemania, which is exactly what the winner of this event will earn. Hence, the shameless reaction from the fans.)

The deafening groans from the crowd and the putrid smell completely derails the final moments of the match. Cena, Reigns and Gronk struggle to maintain focus while the WWE faithful collectively spill their guts. Several poor souls inadvertently evacuate their bowels while another brave fan shouts “CM PUNK!” in between a reverse course of beans and franks. Horrific.

As if awakened from a hypnotic state, Gronk springs to action. He clobbers Cena with a forearm shiver to the back of his block head. Clobbers him good. Cena stumbles chest first into the turnbuckle as Gronk crouches into a three-point stance, ready to charge again. He steamrolls the leader of Cenation, sending him flailing over the ropes.

TK Under Ring

Suddenly, the Tiger King appears from underneath the ring. In spite of his efforts to resemble a regal Siberian tiger, Joe Exotic looks like he has been surviving purely on meow mix and heaping doses of LSD.

He slinks behind Gronk with a severed tiger paw in hand, swiping at the back of his head with the razor sharp, and I mean razor sharp, claws. Did you know that tigers have glands between their toes that produce secretions which are left wherever they scratch? These secretions send chemical signals to other cats in the area warning them to steer clear. It’s like they have microscopic skunks embedded next to each claw. Remarkable.

The bewildered 6’6 man child turns to confront his attacker, but it’s too late because Exotic has retreated into the night just as quickly as he appeared. Roman Reigns seizes the opportunity to sneak up on Gronk and hoists him over the top rope to win the Rumble.

Gronk Fuming

In a surprise to literally no one, Gronk formally issues his Wrestlemania challenge to the Tiger King on the very next episode of SmackDown. He now knows what needs to be done if he is going to defeat the Tiger King; He must become the White Tiger once more.

Joe Exotic accepts Gronk’s offer, but there is a caveat. Their bout at Wrestlemania 37 will be a Tiger Cage Match, which is just like a regular cage match, except there will be exactly one (1) live tiger inside the structure with the two competitors. News of the death-defying White Tiger vs Tiger King Wrestlemania bout spreads like wild fire. Like the fire that mysteriously torched G.W. Exotic Animal Park in 2015.

Sofi_Roof_ETFELED_No-Glow_1901017

SoFi Stadium is packed to the gills on the night of March 28, 2021. 100,000 strong have gathered at Inglewood’s state of the art facility for Wrestlemania 37 – an event billed as the most star-studded spectacle in WWE’s illustrious history. The Rock vs Brock Lesnar, Ronda Rousey vs Charlotte Flair, The Undertaker vs Linda McMahon, Roman Reigns vs The guy who is going to lose to Roman Reigns, and the headliner, Rob “The White Tiger” Gronkowski vs Joe “The Tiger King” Exotic in the first-ever Tiger Cage Match.

Anybody who’s anybody has a ticket to the show of shows. Those in attendance include Mike Tyson, Adam Sandler, Regis Philbin, Neve Campbell, Al Gore and that guy Puck from “The Real World: San Francisco.” Even Doc Antle and his merry band of gypsy hoes have been invited to watch the main event from ringside.

At long last, it’s finally time for TigerMania.

Doc Antle Godfather

A scowling Joe Exotic is accompanied by one of his tigers as he makes his way into the cage first. There is an audible show of support from the sold out crowd, but the self-described “gay, gun-carrying redneck with a mullet” is clearly viewed as the heel. Lest we forget, he is responsible for the death of Mojo Rawley, not to mention the containment and murders of many a wild animal. Gronk, on the other hand, receives a heroes welcome as he dances his way down the ramp and into the cage for the biggest fight of his life.

Joe Exotic’s tiger is chained up to the door on the inside of the cage with enough slack for him to cover a third of the ring. The Exotic One immediately sets up shop on the turnbuckle behind his four-legged bodyguard. Gronk pops on his oversized White Tiger head, fully prepared to have his intestines ripped out in the name of his fallen friend. You have never seen anything so dramatic.

MASKED SINGER: The White Tiger in the Season Three premiere of THE MASKED SINGER airing Sunday, Feb. 2 (10:30-11:40 PM ET/7:30-8:40 PM PT live to all time zones) on FOX, following SUPER BOWL LIV. THE MASKED SINGER will then make its time period premiere on Wednesday, Feb. 5 (8:00-9:00 PM ET/PT). (Photo by FOX via Getty Images)

(FOX via Getty Images)

A raucous “JOE EX-OT-IC!” chant bellows down from the nose bleeds, countered by an equally loud “LET’S GO GRONK!” The bell sounds and the first ever Tiger Cage Match is underway.

Joe Exotic seems content to stand behind his tiger while Gronkowski considers his limited options. He could try to climb out of the cage to win the match, but he’d miss the opportunity to pummel the tiger prince. That simply won’t suffice. Instead, he reaches inside his tiger suit, pulls out an enormous sirloin and slides it across the canvas, just far enough away from where Joe is perched. Oldest trick in the book, Gronk thinks. He laughs to himself and quickly daydreams about what he’s going to have for dinner. He’ll be damned if it’s going to be meatloaf again.

Realizing that his faithful feline is wholly occupied by a little amuse-bouche, the Tiger King scrambles for the top of the cage. He doesn’t get far before he is pulled back down to earth by the White Tiger’s grasp. Gronk secludes his prey on the opposite end of the ring and begins going to work, first with a CTE-inducing headbutt, then with a thunderous chop that would make Ric Flair green with envy.

Gronk Chop

In a surprise to literally no one, Joe Exotic is no match for the future NFL Hall of Famer. Luckily for Joe, the tiger has now polished off his sirloin and he’s hungry for more. The enormous cat grumbles a little tiger growl, startling Gronk who was completely in the fucking zone. During this brief moment of shock, the Tiger King pounces and clings onto Gronk’s neck. He dislodges Gronk’s head from the White Tiger helmet and locks in a tight sleeper hold. Gronk thrashes furiously, nearly serving himself to the salivating tiger on a silver platter. He steadies himself just in time, but he’s in a world of trouble. The lights inside SoFi Stadium seem to flicker.

Joe tightens his grip, bringing the big fella down to one knee. The lights flicker again. Both men, as well as the 100,000+ in attendance, are sure of it this time. Gronk drops to both knees and appears to be on the verge of passing out entirely. Half of the lights in the arena go out, then the entire venue is engulfed in darkness. Fans scream with both terror and delight, anxiously awaiting the big reveal.

A spotlight appears in the rafters, unveiling a shadowy figure. Could it be? The lights kick back on. BY GOD! THAT’S CAROLE BASKIN!

Baskin

That dumb bitch Carole Baskin dies on impact. What an idiot! The crowd erupts, registering a record-setting 169.69 decibels.

Inside the ring, Joe Exotic releases his clench on Gronk and rushes to the cage to gain a closer look at his nemesis. It’s confirmed, she is completely bent out of shape. Tears of joy stream from Joe’s beady eyes, cutting tiny rivers into his tiger-striped face. The Tiger King’s Wrestlemania Moment is more beautiful than anything he ever could have imagined in his wildest, meth-induced fever dreams.

serie_biff

That’s the sound of Gronk donkey kicking the back of Joe Exotic’s skull.

This is followed by a bevy of jackknife power bombs, each one bouncing the blonde banshee off the mat like a beached blowfish. This goes on for quite some time until it all just sort of ends. Satisfied with the punishment he has put forth, Gronk catapults Joe’s tenderized body into the tiger’s third of the ring. The tiger rips Joe Exotic’s head clean off, without hesitation.

“There’s more than one way to skin a cat!,” Gronk guffaws as he grabs hold of Joe’s stringy mane and raises it over his head like the Vince Lombardi trophy. The final bell tolls.

Dead TK

In a scene he will later describe as a blackout, Gronk scales the side of the cage, head in his grasp like he’s Al Snow’s meathead step brother. He pauses for a moment at the top of the cage to soak in the energy of the crowd, then continues his descent down the outside of the cage. He high steps over Carole Baskin’s dead ass, leaps over the ringside barrier and gives Doc Antle a celebratory fist bump. Several bones in Bhagavan’s right hand immediately shatter but the party rages on.

Confetti is raining down from the ceiling, fireworks are shooting out of the scoreboard and LMFAO’s smash hit “Party Rockers” is blaring through the speakers at SoFi Stadium. What. The. Fuck.

Gronk lifts the Tiger King’s head once more, eliciting another roar from the WWE universe. Then he begins to moonwalk, first through the arena’s concourse area, and then into the parking lot. Blacked the fuck out.

He finds a suitable piece of pavement and delivers his signature finisher. The end.

Gronk TK Spike

P.S – Joe Exotic’s tiger is later safely transported to the most gorgeous big cat sanctuary where he lives happily ever after.

Taco Hell: DBK Food Challenge #2

Imagine eating a dozen tacos from Taco Bell in a single sitting. Some of us might have approached, or even surpassed, that number over the course of a long, hungover Sunday. Whomst among us hasn’t ordered a Taco Party Pack for individual consumption? It’s always a great idea at the time but you know it’s just a matter of moments before your gut starts rumbling as if the Jumanji stampede is about to run a 4.4 40 straight out of your asshole. Alan Parrish be damned, that mucho grande, extra spicy secretion will explode out of your body with the force of 1,000 captive rhinos.

Now, imagine cramming those very same 12 Taco Bell tacos down your gullet with a 60-minute timer on. And now, imagine tripling that amount of tacos within the same time frame. Welcome to Hell.

That’s what hundreds of thousands of fans, haters, loved ones, strangers, degenerates and women witnessed on Monday, July 13, 20Quarantine when Donny Baby Kid buckled in for his second food challenge LIVE on Twitch. Considering the way he cruised through the Big Mac Challenge in June, DBK’s Army was supremely confident that the big guy would scarf 50 tacos (25 hard shell, 25 soft shell) in one American hour.

I had reached out to DBK a day or two before the spectacle, wondering if it was going to be awkward when he pulled up to the Taco Bell drive thru on Monday morning and asked for 50 tacos. He left me the following voicemail:

“No. It won’t be awkward. You know what’s going to be awkward? When people that think I can’t do it end up realizing, ‘Oh my God, he can do it. I should have believed him the entire time.’ So yeah, no awkwardness. Awkward my nuts. Put that on the record.”

Per his request, the record will now, and forever, reflect that DBK was so sure of himself heading into battle.

He kicked off the challenge with a unique approach, sandwiching a soft shell taco with a hard shell, thus killing dos pajaros con una piedra (two birds, one stone). He maintained this technique for much of the challenge until his body visibly started to shut down, which was right around the halfway mark. In a surprise to literally no one, the Twitch chat really came alive once DBK’s painful moans and groans became more frequent. Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets the chat going like a man drowning himself in grade-F meat and cheese scraps.

For those who weren’t fortunate enough to watch the full live stream (raw, unedited version here), please enjoy this brief photo recap:

Look at that million dollar smile! Reminds me of the look on Squints Palledorous’ face right after he dared to put the moves on Wendy Peffercorn during the memorable summer of 1962.

Much like Squints, DBK knew what he was doing all along. Retching like a dinosaur in heat, dry heaving, and drooling into a flower pot is exactly what the people came to see. (Fun Fact: This was not his first time puking into a flower pot. He once unloaded into one of those giant pots on Patchogue’s main strip after a bad batch of arugula salad and 400 bud lights.)

As fate would have it, DBK hit his wall at 35 tacos. Although he came up short of the 50-taco goal, and while he may not even make it through the week (because of the sodium), he did put forth an incredibly inspiring, and thoroughly entertaining, performance. There is no shame in eating 35 tacos in 60 minutes. It is unshameable. Beyond reproach. I speak for the entire DBK Army when I say nobody is even the least bit disappointed in the way things played out.

Naturally, many of you may be most curious about the aftermath of Taco Hell. I touched base with DBK late Monday night to see how he was holding up. Was he riding the vomit comet all day? Did the explosive bowel movements begin? Had he experienced any happiness at all?

“First off, 50 tacos sounds a lot easier on paper,” says DBK. “Maybe I was overconfident since the BMs [Big Mac Challenge]. At any rate, I feel about 5x worse compared to the Big Macs. I played about 3 games of NBA 2K and then edited a portion of the video and called it quits. Been laid up since. Had about a gallon of water or probably more. Can’t quench my thirst.”

“Just the vomit on screen, no dumps. Nothing happy has happened since.”

Thank you again, DBK, for your heroics and dedication to the game. Until next time.

How Much Is 5,500 Calories, Really?

Michael Jordan ‘Donny Baby Kid’ Donohue added another notch on his belt both figuratively and literally on June 8th. 10 Big Macs. 90 Minutes. Zero scraps.

DBK’s momentous Monday afternoon (which you can rewatch in its entirety right here) kicked off on Twitch at approximately 12:15pm ET. Within 15 minutes he had already erased more than half of the Big Mac pile, and it quickly became clear that he had no intentions of leaving a single seed behind. Viewers calling for him to puke or soil his Depends were awed by the effortlessness of it all. DBK was mowing through Big Macs like they were chilled Bud Lights on a hot August night at Davis Park. Vegas Bookmakers, who had set the over/under of Big Macs eaten at 7.5, were floored by his transcendent performance in the early goings.

However, right around that eighth burger is when it looked the machine was shutting down. The groans. The aches. The pain.

In a surprise to literally no one, DBK’s momentum dropped dramatically down the home stretch. His burger consumption slowed to a snail’s pace, and there was once again hope for all who had tuned in to see a man puke all over his keyboard, or shit is britches, LIVE on twitch.

All those grams of fat (28g per Big Mac), the carbohydrates (45g per BM) and the sugar (9g per BM). And the sodium. Good God, think of the sodium! Ronald McDonald himself would have fallen victim to all of that (delicious) poison coursing through his veins. But this was Donny Baby Kid’s day. He completed the challenge with 14 minutes to spare.

The Hamburglar could never. Grimace? You fucking wish.

All told, the big guy racked up 5,500 calories (550 per BM) during that single sitting. Which begs the question, how much is 5,500 calories anyway? What does it all mean? For starters, 5,500 calories is more than double the recommended daily amount, according to LiveScience.com.

To put things in perspective, it is the equivalent of eating roughly 20 slices of pizza. Or 22 avocados. Or 17 slices of cheesecake. Or 48 cups of Lucky Charms. Or 70 hard boiled eggs.

If you’re still struggling to understand what 5,500 calories in 90 minutes feels like, look no further than this screenshot of the aftermath:

Moments after his historic display of athleticism, I asked DBK where he goes from here. “Idk where I am but I know where I’m going, that’s forward.” Inspiring words for certain.

Later that night: “I’ve been horizontal mostly. Drank a liter of water… Here’s the thing, stomach is full so I can’t drink water fast enough to quench my thirst. So I have to continuously sip in discomfort.” Needless to say, dinner was completely off the table on Monday night.

Despite the punishment endured, DBK was back in the saddle on Tuesday morning with an industrial-sized bowl of Frosted Flakes mixed with Rice Krispies. The show must go on.

Monday Mashup: Adidas Yeezy x Air Jordan

Experimented with some “Frankenstein” sneaker concepts, combining two different sneakers into one monstrosity.

Here I took several different Adidas Yeezy Boost 350s and merged them with the midsoles of the Air Jordan 3, 4, 5, 6, 11 and 14. Nobody asked for this. I admit that these are mostly terrible, but we’re just going to roll with it. Brighter days ahead!

Nike SB Dunk Low ‘Cereal Series’

The highly anticipated Ben & Jerry’s x Nike SB “Chunky Dunky” collaboration released today, May 26th. These special edition sneakers mirror Ben & Jerry’s signature packaging, complete with blue skies, green pastures and a cow print design. Very cool stuff, IMHO.

I was not one of the fortunate souls who (whom? whomst?) won the right to pay 100 American dollars for the Ben & Jerry Dunks, but the concept got me thinking about some other sugary delights that would pair well with the Nike SB Dunk Low. I asked myself, “What about a Cereal Series of low-top dunks?”

And here’s what I came up with:

BONUS: My Mount Rushmore of Cereal includes Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Frosted Flakes, Honey Nut Cheerios and Reese’s Puffs.

Friendship On The Brink: Jim Continues To Ignore Mike’s Texts

I logged onto twitter on the morning of May 11, 20Quarantine to learn that my good friend, Jim Fuoco, still had not returned text(s) from my other good friend, Mike Salvatore. People are starting to wonder. Something fishy is going on.

As everyone already knows, Mike first called Jim out on twitter earlier this week with the following question, “Why hasn’t @JimFuoco answered my texts?” Today, Mike updated his 193 followers on the situation: “Day 3 of @JimFuoco not answering my texts. Where are you hiding?”

Where is Jim hiding? Is he even hiding at all? And why hasn’t he answered Mike’s texts? Do Jim and Mike text frequently? Most importantly, what is Mike texting Jim that is so urgent?

In regards to the latter, here are the TOP 10 most plausible scenarios:

  1. Looking for a ride to Davis for MDW. One of the only reasons to contact Jim Fuoco is to see if he’ll be around to give you a ride to the beach for the holiday weekend. As such, this is prime time for Jim’s inbox and there’s a chance Mike Sal’s texts got lost in the jumble. And there’s an even better chance that Jim is simply ignoring said requests.
  2. Fantasy Football Trade Proposal. Anybody who knows Mike Sal knows that he loves, and I mean loves, to wheel and deal. There is no off-season when it comes to fielding calls about Devin Singletary or Zach Ertz.
  3. Reese’s Softball. Covid-19 may have cancelled Island Slowpitch fore the foreseeable future, but I can assure you longtime Reese’s head coach Steve Fuoco is planning to host practices and or tryouts/hazings in the coming weeks. It’s reasonable to think the lefty is looking to get some hacks in with the Reese’s gang at Shorefront. Speaking of Shorefront, I have hit great, big, over-the-fence home runs there.
  4. Fuoco Memorial Golf Tournament. Perhaps Mike is inquiring about the 51st annual Fuoco Memorial Golf Tournament coming up in September (Lord willing). Maybe Sal would like to participate, donate or volunteer his time for a good cause? Considering he is an alleged non-essential degenerate gambler, his time and money will likely be better spent at the OTB.

5. Wellness Check. Mike is genuinely concerned about Jim’s overall health and just wants to check in with an old pal. If that is the case, I will be very upset that Jim got a wellness check before me.

6. Computer Issues. This is my dark horse candidate. If Mike’s laptop crashed he may be desperate enough to contact the Human F9 himself.

7. American Flag Bathing Suits. Just like computer problem-solving, Jim is the go-to source for your 4th of July apparel. If you’re hoping to come out of quarantine with a brand new star spangled banana hammock “The Captain” will gladly point you in the right direction while humming God Bless America through a megaphone.

8. Josina Anderson. Just wants to chat about some of Josina Anderson’s latest breaking news, such as, “Free agent CB Jonathan Joseph just texted me: “Hey. Gonna sign with the Titans.”

9. Attempt To Overthrow The Commish. This is the most unlikely of all, but it would be very remiss of me not to mention how these two could be secretly plotting to remove me as commissioner of TLOEG. Again, this is the most unlikely.

10. I Can’t Think Of 10 Reasons Why Mike Would Possibly Text Jim.

Whatever the case may be, I hope Jim and Mike start texting again soon. I look forward to seeing them, and the rest of my friends, in the very near future!

Historic: Junior Soprano Ruins Hugo’s 75th Jubilee

Recorded better quality on my phone but it wouldn’t upload 🙁

This scene always gets me. It’s from Season 5, Episode 8 aka “Marco Polo.”

Baccala casually digging at Junior by asking him if he got invited to Carmella’s dad’s surprise party, then looking on in utter DISGUST when Jooonya immediately ruins the jubilee.

Bobby experiences the same range of emotions here as when Janice forced the last tray of Karen’s ziti down his gullet. On the verge of tears. The man loves three things: Karen’s ziti, model train sets and a properly executed surprise party.

On the other end of the spectrum, Junior could not be happier to blow the lid off Carmella’s attempt at a surprise for her dad. He relished the opportunity. Could not fucking wait to get on the horn with Hugh and spill the beans. What a spiteful dick. Quintessential Joonya!

As it turned out, the call to Hugh actually set the stage for Tony & Carmella getting back together. Had Junior not intentionally ruined the surprise, Hugh never would have found out that T wasn’t invited to the jubilee, and therefore wouldn’t have insisted on the man of the house being there. Carmella reluctantly caved to her dad’s wishes, Tony was the life of the party, and they capped off the night with a little Marco Polo makeout sesh like they were back in high school. So credit to Junior for saving Tony & Carm’s marriage.

Lastly, the shit-eating grin on old Hugo’s face when Jun jokes that the biggest surprise is that they’re still alive! Buona Fortuna!

Local Man Earns His Pinstripes

The term “earn your stripes” is defined as “to do something which shows that one deserves to be accepted and respected by the other people in a field or profession.” In the police force one can earn his or her stripes by walking a beat downtown before working their way up to lieutenant. In construction you can earn your stripes by doing all of the dirty work that nobody wants to do. And in baseball, you can earn your pinstripes by successfully fielding a ground ball for the New York Yankees.

When it comes to video games, the one true way to earn your stripes is by racking up Ws LIVE on Twitch. That, my friends, is exactly what Michael Jordan Donohue accomplished on the night of May 6, 2020. It wasn’t the first time that the sharpshooter widely known as @DonnyBabyKid1 (aka Long Hammering) and his team (including Tom Naab, Larry Tornetta and George Schwartz) have tasted victory in Call of Duty: Warzone, but “The Kid” is now doing it on the grandest stage of them all, TWITCH (and Mixer).

I won’t pretend to know the ins and outs of Warzone, though I know enough to understand that Donny Baby Kid will kill you in cold blood, finish the rest of your Mountain Dew, leave the empty bottle in the refrigerator and kiss your mother on the forehead on his way out the door. Few can acquire armor satchels with the swiftness displayed by Long Hammering. The effortlessness of it all can only be related to the sweet swing of Alex Rodriguez, back when he would send a 2-0 fastball into orbit faster than John Sterling could say, “DonRod Patchogue Gulag!”

The very best part is DonnyBabyKid1’s unfiltered greatness is all out there for the world to see now. Witness for yourself – he has officially earned his pinstripes.

The Most Dangerous Snack In The Game

Buyer Beware: Hostess’ Cinnamon Streusel Coffee Cakes will change your life.

I’m a longtime Drake’s Coffee Cake supporter but the Hostess’ Cinnamon Streusel variety was new to me. It’s basically your standard coffee cake, somewhat smaller, just drenched in a miracle cinnamon sugar just like those Auntie Anne’s pretzels. They are a certified weapon.

These individually wrapped cakes knock my socks off 8 times out of 8. Every single one is a slam dunk. A touchdown. A home run. Back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back. And when I say “back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back” I truly mean it because the only way you’re eating Hostess’ Cinnamon Streusel Coffee Cakes™ is if you’re running train on an entire box. It’s insanity. I’m going coo coo for these cinnamon streusel-coated morsels of joy. I can not help but verbally express how exceptional they are every time I take the first bite. “Oh my god,” “Oh my fucking god,” “fuck,” “these are unreal,” “just kill me right now.”

The only thing that would make them better is if each one was the size of my apartment. I sound crazy but that’s exactly my point, these coffee cakes are not of this world. You may become dependent on them after just one hit. Please enjoy responsibly.

Quick note on streusel: Some modern recipes add spices and chopped nutmeats to the flour, butter & sugar. I do not know if Hostess’ recipe contains either.