Quoth The Ramen, Nevermore

A total idiot once said, “it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.” In a world where wins and losses count for nothing and the way you play reigns supreme, Michael Donohue is king. And that’s the world we’re all living in today.

The self-described alpha male, known in the Twitch community as ‘Donny Baby Kid,’ took part in his third LIVE food challenge on Thursday, August 13th, as he attempted to drink spoonfuls of ‘Da Bomb’ hot sauce while eating four heaping bowls of spicy ramen noodles and reciting Edgar Allan Poe’s smash hit, “The Raven.”

For example:

The goal of this challenge was to finish the ramen before the hot sauce turned his inners into an inferno. The catch: for every five subscriptions (or $25) earned during the live stream DBK would have to swallow another steaming load of Da Bomb.

The only time he could hydrate himself was when a generous soul blessed him with a “sweet relief” icon in the chat. There was no real time limit in this challenge, just a race against his own beating heart.

As always, DBK entered the challenge with the upmost confidence.

“I am the furthest thing from nervous. I’m an Alpha Male. There’s nothing slowing this train down.”

A coordinated ambush proved otherwise.

The subscriptions started pouring in almost instantly and DBK quickly found himself knee deep in Da Bomb – a hot sauce that comes with a “Beyond Insanity” warning. After the first two spoonfuls, DBK described, “I’ll tell you what’s happening right now with my mouth – it’s like I stood in an oven with my mouth open. And it’s just blazing.”

According to the good people at HotSauce.com, Da Bomb is comprised of pure habanero pepper, enhanced with habanero infused flavor, equaling 119,700 Scoville Units of heat. So what IS a Scoville Unit?

The Scoville Scale (named after Wilbur L. Scoville, as you all know), is used to measure the amount of capsaicin – the chemical compound found in peppers that makes your tongue burn, body sweat, ears ache, etc. I can talk about capsaicin and Scoville Heat Units (SHUs) until the cow jumps over the moon, but I’ll cut to the chase here by saying that 119,700 SHUs is extremely hot.

That’s not to say Da Bomb is more dangerous than a Carolina Reaper pepper (2.2 MILLION SHU), but it is hot enough to have you yelling “ALL OF YOUR SISTERS ARE BUTT-ASS NAKED!” while whisper-crying your way through a narrative poem LIVE on Twitch.

UGHHH… “This ominous bird of yore…”FUCK YOU ALL… “tapping, tapping at my chamber door…” YOUR MOTHER… “All my soul within me burning…”

Roughly 30 minutes into the challenge, following numerous helpings of Da Bomb and several excerpts from The Raven, DBK reported that his feet had gone numb and declared that his jejunum (the part of the small intestine between the duodenum and ileum) was totally fucked.

His genitals went into “Flight Mode” as his body tried to cope with the white, hot heat coursing through his system. His tongue was reduced to an idle blob of junk, like a pink toad that had been paralyzed by the venom of a deathstalker scorpion.

At about the 45-minute mark, DBK threw in the towel on an account of not being able to breathe. “BRING IN THE ICE CREAM!” he screamed with what could have been his last breath on God’s green Earth.

Observe:

A short while thereafter, he was sitting in the emergency room explaining to a team of doctors and nurses exactly why he was vomiting lava and experiencing crippling, never-ending stomach cramps.

Here’s how it played out after DBK cut the Twitch feed, according to the man himself:

“Heart rate 67bpm. After getting up and getting poked and prodded I hopped in the ambulance. Arrived at the ER and it’s your classic ER visit, ‘What happened, When did it start? How do you feel now?’ – the basics. Then I broke the news that I guzzled hot sauce for my friends. Nobody was happy or felt sorry for me. They took blood, urine and an ultrasound. All came back good. Doctor said to lay off the hot stuff or deal with the consequences. Got McDonald’s on the way home.”

In the end, DBK was unable to finish the four bowls of ramen before literally passing out, which technically makes him 1-2 in Food Challenges thus far. But we have to remember it’s not about wins and losses, it’s about how you play the game, and there is no doubt that he is playing the game at the highest level.

Sending yourself to the hospital because you drank a near-lethal amount of pure habanero hot sauce while reciting poetry to hundreds of thousands of friends, strangers, subscribers, degenerates, vultures and women LIVE on Twitch is DBK’s “I have arrived” moment – Much the same way Poe became a household name in 1845 when The Raven was published.

Knowing that he will survive, this was hands down the funniest DBK Food Challenge to date. I speak for all of the DBK Army when I say I hope there will be more Poe readings in the future.

Sure DBK is a little dehydrated today, but he is already back in the saddle green-thumbing it in the 2K Playground. Folks, this is peak performance.

Taco Hell: DBK Food Challenge #2

Imagine eating a dozen tacos from Taco Bell in a single sitting. Some of us might have approached, or even surpassed, that number over the course of a long, hungover Sunday. Whomst among us hasn’t ordered a Taco Party Pack for individual consumption? It’s always a great idea at the time but you know it’s just a matter of moments before your gut starts rumbling as if the Jumanji stampede is about to run a 4.4 40 straight out of your asshole. Alan Parrish be damned, that mucho grande, extra spicy secretion will explode out of your body with the force of 1,000 captive rhinos.

Now, imagine cramming those very same 12 Taco Bell tacos down your gullet with a 60-minute timer on. And now, imagine tripling that amount of tacos within the same time frame. Welcome to Hell.

That’s what hundreds of thousands of fans, haters, loved ones, strangers, degenerates and women witnessed on Monday, July 13, 20Quarantine when Donny Baby Kid buckled in for his second food challenge LIVE on Twitch. Considering the way he cruised through the Big Mac Challenge in June, DBK’s Army was supremely confident that the big guy would scarf 50 tacos (25 hard shell, 25 soft shell) in one American hour.

I had reached out to DBK a day or two before the spectacle, wondering if it was going to be awkward when he pulled up to the Taco Bell drive thru on Monday morning and asked for 50 tacos. He left me the following voicemail:

“No. It won’t be awkward. You know what’s going to be awkward? When people that think I can’t do it end up realizing, ‘Oh my God, he can do it. I should have believed him the entire time.’ So yeah, no awkwardness. Awkward my nuts. Put that on the record.”

Per his request, the record will now, and forever, reflect that DBK was so sure of himself heading into battle.

He kicked off the challenge with a unique approach, sandwiching a soft shell taco with a hard shell, thus killing dos pajaros con una piedra (two birds, one stone). He maintained this technique for much of the challenge until his body visibly started to shut down, which was right around the halfway mark. In a surprise to literally no one, the Twitch chat really came alive once DBK’s painful moans and groans became more frequent. Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets the chat going like a man drowning himself in grade-F meat and cheese scraps.

For those who weren’t fortunate enough to watch the full live stream (raw, unedited version here), please enjoy this brief photo recap:

Look at that million dollar smile! Reminds me of the look on Squints Palledorous’ face right after he dared to put the moves on Wendy Peffercorn during the memorable summer of 1962.

Much like Squints, DBK knew what he was doing all along. Retching like a dinosaur in heat, dry heaving, and drooling into a flower pot is exactly what the people came to see. (Fun Fact: This was not his first time puking into a flower pot. He once unloaded into one of those giant pots on Patchogue’s main strip after a bad batch of arugula salad and 400 bud lights.)

As fate would have it, DBK hit his wall at 35 tacos. Although he came up short of the 50-taco goal, and while he may not even make it through the week (because of the sodium), he did put forth an incredibly inspiring, and thoroughly entertaining, performance. There is no shame in eating 35 tacos in 60 minutes. It is unshameable. Beyond reproach. I speak for the entire DBK Army when I say nobody is even the least bit disappointed in the way things played out.

Naturally, many of you may be most curious about the aftermath of Taco Hell. I touched base with DBK late Monday night to see how he was holding up. Was he riding the vomit comet all day? Did the explosive bowel movements begin? Had he experienced any happiness at all?

“First off, 50 tacos sounds a lot easier on paper,” says DBK. “Maybe I was overconfident since the BMs [Big Mac Challenge]. At any rate, I feel about 5x worse compared to the Big Macs. I played about 3 games of NBA 2K and then edited a portion of the video and called it quits. Been laid up since. Had about a gallon of water or probably more. Can’t quench my thirst.”

“Just the vomit on screen, no dumps. Nothing happy has happened since.”

Thank you again, DBK, for your heroics and dedication to the game. Until next time.

How Much Is 5,500 Calories, Really?

Michael Jordan ‘Donny Baby Kid’ Donohue added another notch on his belt both figuratively and literally on June 8th. 10 Big Macs. 90 Minutes. Zero scraps.

DBK’s momentous Monday afternoon (which you can rewatch in its entirety right here) kicked off on Twitch at approximately 12:15pm ET. Within 15 minutes he had already erased more than half of the Big Mac pile, and it quickly became clear that he had no intentions of leaving a single seed behind. Viewers calling for him to puke or soil his Depends were awed by the effortlessness of it all. DBK was mowing through Big Macs like they were chilled Bud Lights on a hot August night at Davis Park. Vegas Bookmakers, who had set the over/under of Big Macs eaten at 7.5, were floored by his transcendent performance in the early goings.

However, right around that eighth burger is when it looked the machine was shutting down. The groans. The aches. The pain.

In a surprise to literally no one, DBK’s momentum dropped dramatically down the home stretch. His burger consumption slowed to a snail’s pace, and there was once again hope for all who had tuned in to see a man puke all over his keyboard, or shit is britches, LIVE on twitch.

All those grams of fat (28g per Big Mac), the carbohydrates (45g per BM) and the sugar (9g per BM). And the sodium. Good God, think of the sodium! Ronald McDonald himself would have fallen victim to all of that (delicious) poison coursing through his veins. But this was Donny Baby Kid’s day. He completed the challenge with 14 minutes to spare.

The Hamburglar could never. Grimace? You fucking wish.

All told, the big guy racked up 5,500 calories (550 per BM) during that single sitting. Which begs the question, how much is 5,500 calories anyway? What does it all mean? For starters, 5,500 calories is more than double the recommended daily amount, according to LiveScience.com.

To put things in perspective, it is the equivalent of eating roughly 20 slices of pizza. Or 22 avocados. Or 17 slices of cheesecake. Or 48 cups of Lucky Charms. Or 70 hard boiled eggs.

If you’re still struggling to understand what 5,500 calories in 90 minutes feels like, look no further than this screenshot of the aftermath:

Moments after his historic display of athleticism, I asked DBK where he goes from here. “Idk where I am but I know where I’m going, that’s forward.” Inspiring words for certain.

Later that night: “I’ve been horizontal mostly. Drank a liter of water… Here’s the thing, stomach is full so I can’t drink water fast enough to quench my thirst. So I have to continuously sip in discomfort.” Needless to say, dinner was completely off the table on Monday night.

Despite the punishment endured, DBK was back in the saddle on Tuesday morning with an industrial-sized bowl of Frosted Flakes mixed with Rice Krispies. The show must go on.

Monday Mashup: Adidas Yeezy x Air Jordan

Experimented with some “Frankenstein” sneaker concepts, combining two different sneakers into one monstrosity.

Here I took several different Adidas Yeezy Boost 350s and merged them with the midsoles of the Air Jordan 3, 4, 5, 6, 11 and 14. Nobody asked for this. I admit that these are mostly terrible, but we’re just going to roll with it. Brighter days ahead!

Nike SB Dunk Low ‘Cereal Series’

The highly anticipated Ben & Jerry’s x Nike SB “Chunky Dunky” collaboration released today, May 26th. These special edition sneakers mirror Ben & Jerry’s signature packaging, complete with blue skies, green pastures and a cow print design. Very cool stuff, IMHO.

I was not one of the fortunate souls who (whom? whomst?) won the right to pay 100 American dollars for the Ben & Jerry Dunks, but the concept got me thinking about some other sugary delights that would pair well with the Nike SB Dunk Low. I asked myself, “What about a Cereal Series of low-top dunks?”

And here’s what I came up with:

BONUS: My Mount Rushmore of Cereal includes Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Frosted Flakes, Honey Nut Cheerios and Reese’s Puffs.

Friendship On The Brink: Jim Continues To Ignore Mike’s Texts

I logged onto twitter on the morning of May 11, 20Quarantine to learn that my good friend, Jim Fuoco, still had not returned text(s) from my other good friend, Mike Salvatore. People are starting to wonder. Something fishy is going on.

As everyone already knows, Mike first called Jim out on twitter earlier this week with the following question, “Why hasn’t @JimFuoco answered my texts?” Today, Mike updated his 193 followers on the situation: “Day 3 of @JimFuoco not answering my texts. Where are you hiding?”

Where is Jim hiding? Is he even hiding at all? And why hasn’t he answered Mike’s texts? Do Jim and Mike text frequently? Most importantly, what is Mike texting Jim that is so urgent?

In regards to the latter, here are the TOP 10 most plausible scenarios:

  1. Looking for a ride to Davis for MDW. One of the only reasons to contact Jim Fuoco is to see if he’ll be around to give you a ride to the beach for the holiday weekend. As such, this is prime time for Jim’s inbox and there’s a chance Mike Sal’s texts got lost in the jumble. And there’s an even better chance that Jim is simply ignoring said requests.
  2. Fantasy Football Trade Proposal. Anybody who knows Mike Sal knows that he loves, and I mean loves, to wheel and deal. There is no off-season when it comes to fielding calls about Devin Singletary or Zach Ertz.
  3. Reese’s Softball. Covid-19 may have cancelled Island Slowpitch fore the foreseeable future, but I can assure you longtime Reese’s head coach Steve Fuoco is planning to host practices and or tryouts/hazings in the coming weeks. It’s reasonable to think the lefty is looking to get some hacks in with the Reese’s gang at Shorefront. Speaking of Shorefront, I have hit great, big, over-the-fence home runs there.
  4. Fuoco Memorial Golf Tournament. Perhaps Mike is inquiring about the 51st annual Fuoco Memorial Golf Tournament coming up in September (Lord willing). Maybe Sal would like to participate, donate or volunteer his time for a good cause? Considering he is an alleged non-essential degenerate gambler, his time and money will likely be better spent at the OTB.

5. Wellness Check. Mike is genuinely concerned about Jim’s overall health and just wants to check in with an old pal. If that is the case, I will be very upset that Jim got a wellness check before me.

6. Computer Issues. This is my dark horse candidate. If Mike’s laptop crashed he may be desperate enough to contact the Human F9 himself.

7. American Flag Bathing Suits. Just like computer problem-solving, Jim is the go-to source for your 4th of July apparel. If you’re hoping to come out of quarantine with a brand new star spangled banana hammock “The Captain” will gladly point you in the right direction while humming God Bless America through a megaphone.

8. Josina Anderson. Just wants to chat about some of Josina Anderson’s latest breaking news, such as, “Free agent CB Jonathan Joseph just texted me: “Hey. Gonna sign with the Titans.”

9. Attempt To Overthrow The Commish. This is the most unlikely of all, but it would be very remiss of me not to mention how these two could be secretly plotting to remove me as commissioner of TLOEG. Again, this is the most unlikely.

10. I Can’t Think Of 10 Reasons Why Mike Would Possibly Text Jim.

Whatever the case may be, I hope Jim and Mike start texting again soon. I look forward to seeing them, and the rest of my friends, in the very near future!

Historic: Junior Soprano Ruins Hugo’s 75th Jubilee

Recorded better quality on my phone but it wouldn’t upload 🙁

This scene always gets me. It’s from Season 5, Episode 8 aka “Marco Polo.”

Baccala casually digging at Junior by asking him if he got invited to Carmella’s dad’s surprise party, then looking on in utter DISGUST when Jooonya immediately ruins the jubilee.

Bobby experiences the same range of emotions here as when Janice forced the last tray of Karen’s ziti down his gullet. On the verge of tears. The man loves three things: Karen’s ziti, model train sets and a properly executed surprise party.

On the other end of the spectrum, Junior could not be happier to blow the lid off Carmella’s attempt at a surprise for her dad. He relished the opportunity. Could not fucking wait to get on the horn with Hugh and spill the beans. What a spiteful dick. Quintessential Joonya!

As it turned out, the call to Hugh actually set the stage for Tony & Carmella getting back together. Had Junior not intentionally ruined the surprise, Hugh never would have found out that T wasn’t invited to the jubilee, and therefore wouldn’t have insisted on the man of the house being there. Carmella reluctantly caved to her dad’s wishes, Tony was the life of the party, and they capped off the night with a little Marco Polo makeout sesh like they were back in high school. So credit to Junior for saving Tony & Carm’s marriage.

Lastly, the shit-eating grin on old Hugo’s face when Jun jokes that the biggest surprise is that they’re still alive! Buona Fortuna!

Local Man Earns His Pinstripes

The term “earn your stripes” is defined as “to do something which shows that one deserves to be accepted and respected by the other people in a field or profession.” In the police force one can earn his or her stripes by walking a beat downtown before working their way up to lieutenant. In construction you can earn your stripes by doing all of the dirty work that nobody wants to do. And in baseball, you can earn your pinstripes by successfully fielding a ground ball for the New York Yankees.

When it comes to video games, the one true way to earn your stripes is by racking up Ws LIVE on Twitch. That, my friends, is exactly what Michael Jordan Donohue accomplished on the night of May 6, 2020. It wasn’t the first time that the sharpshooter widely known as @DonnyBabyKid1 (aka Long Hammering) and his team (including Tom Naab, Larry Tornetta and George Schwartz) have tasted victory in Call of Duty: Warzone, but “The Kid” is now doing it on the grandest stage of them all, TWITCH (and Mixer).

I won’t pretend to know the ins and outs of Warzone, though I know enough to understand that Donny Baby Kid will kill you in cold blood, finish the rest of your Mountain Dew, leave the empty bottle in the refrigerator and kiss your mother on the forehead on his way out the door. Few can acquire armor satchels with the swiftness displayed by Long Hammering. The effortlessness of it all can only be related to the sweet swing of Alex Rodriguez, back when he would send a 2-0 fastball into orbit faster than John Sterling could say, “DonRod Patchogue Gulag!”

The very best part is DonnyBabyKid1’s unfiltered greatness is all out there for the world to see now. Witness for yourself – he has officially earned his pinstripes.