The term “earn your stripes” is defined as “to do something which shows that one deserves to be accepted and respected by the other people in a field or profession.” In the police force one can earn his or her stripes by walking a beat downtown before working their way up to lieutenant. In construction you can earn your stripes by doing all of the dirty work that nobody wants to do. And in baseball, you can earn your pinstripes by successfully fielding a ground ball for the New York Yankees.
When it comes to video games, the one true way to earn your stripes is by racking up Ws LIVE on Twitch. That, my friends, is exactly what Michael Jordan Donohue accomplished on the night of May 6, 2020. It wasn’t the first time that the sharpshooter widely known as @DonnyBabyKid1 (aka Long Hammering) and his team (including Tom Naab, Larry Tornetta and George Schwartz) have tasted victory in Call of Duty: Warzone, but “The Kid” is now doing it on the grandest stage of them all, TWITCH (and Mixer).
I won’t pretend to know the ins and outs of Warzone, though I know enough to understand that Donny Baby Kid will kill you in cold blood, finish the rest of your Mountain Dew, leave the empty bottle in the refrigerator and kiss your mother on the forehead on his way out the door. Few can acquire armor satchels with the swiftness displayed by Long Hammering. The effortlessness of it all can only be related to the sweet swing of Alex Rodriguez, back when he would send a 2-0 fastball into orbit faster than John Sterling could say, “DonRod Patchogue Gulag!”
Buyer Beware: Hostess’ Cinnamon Streusel Coffee Cakes will change your life.
I’m a longtime Drake’s Coffee Cake supporter but the Hostess’ Cinnamon Streusel variety was new to me. It’s basically your standard coffee cake, somewhat smaller, just drenched in a miracle cinnamon sugar just like those Auntie Anne’s pretzels. They are a certified weapon.
These individually wrapped cakes knock my socks off 8 times out of 8. Every single one is a slam dunk. A touchdown. A home run. Back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back. And when I say “back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back” I truly mean it because the only way you’re eating Hostess’ Cinnamon Streusel Coffee Cakes™ is if you’re running train on an entire box. It’s insanity. I’m going coo coo for these cinnamon streusel-coated morsels of joy. I can not help but verbally express how exceptional they are every time I take the first bite. “Oh my god,” “Oh my fucking god,” “fuck,” “these are unreal,” “just kill me right now.”
The only thing that would make them better is if each one was the size of my apartment. I sound crazy but that’s exactly my point, these coffee cakes are not of this world. You may become dependent on them after just one hit. Please enjoy responsibly.
Quick note on streusel: Some modern recipes add spices and chopped nutmeats to the flour, butter & sugar. I do not know if Hostess’ recipe contains either.
One of my favorite comedians right now is Long Island native Tim Dillon. You just can’t spell Tim Dillon without L.I.
If you’re unfamiliar with his work, might I interest you in checking out his recent appearance on The Fighter & The Kid podcast with Bryan Callen and Brendan Schaub?
I found the following clip about arguing with Long Islanders to be especially relatable, and think all of my LI friends will agree. It’s a phrase that we have all used and/or witnessed numerous times during heated debates. 60% of the time, it works every time.
NBA Hall of Famer Wilt Chamberlain is best known for his otherworldly box scores (including his 100-point effort against the New York Knicks on March 2, 1962, which is a record that still stands to this day) and for being a next level cocksman. What many people don’t know about Wilt The Stilt is that he was also a brilliant prankster.
For example – According to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, he and Wilt were in an elevator years ago when another man entered and commented on their height. “How’s the weather up there?” the (definitely white) guy says. That dude may have thought a weather joke was a perfect line to deliver in the presence of a pair of 7-footers, but it was the wrong fucking move in front of Wilt Johnny Knoxville Chamberlain.
Do you know how many times Wilt has heard a line like that in his life? I do not have those numbers, but you better believe Chamberlain was more than prepared to respond. And when I say “prepared to respond,” I mean he spit right in the dude’s face and said, “It’s raining.” Hilarious!
And if Wilt had just eaten a mucus-triggering meal like a rare New York Strip with a tall glass of whole milk? I imagine it like that scene in “The Shining” when all the blood comes rushing out of the elevator bank, except it’s not blood it’s Wilt’s saliva. Woof. Either way, I can assure you that buddy in the elevator was absolutely marinating in Chamberlain’s dribble by the time he made it to the lobby. Again, just a really great, harmless prank.
While we’re here, did you know spit consists of about 99% water? It’s true. The other 1% is made up of electrolytes and organic substances, such as digestive enzymes and small quantities of uric acid, cholesterol, and mucins. Let’s have a great week.
P.S. Kareem told this story years ago as part of his HBO documentary but the quote recently resurfaced and as a Wilt Chamberlain superfan I felt it my duty to pass it along.
I am stoned solid off of the 2020 NFL Draft for two reasons:
It feels like sports are back
The Jets are making smart moves
My Madden franchise is going to be really fun
Joe Douglas followed up the Mekhi Becton pick by TRADING DOWN in the second round despite the fact that Baylor WR Denzel Mims (MIMS!) – who received the highest possible grade in all of my mock rankings – was about to fall into our lap. So instead of picking at 48 we slid down to 59. Immediate disappoint.
But guess the fuck what? GUESS. Mims was still there. We got our guy!
Becton and Mims is about as good as the Jets could have hoped for with their first two picks. A mountain of a man to protect Sam and a speed demon weapon for him to chuck it to. I, for one, am unbelievably high off this draft. So high that I tried to make that Mount Becton graphic. So high that I can’t really put it into words so I did a quick search on RollItUp.org for suggestions:
Those zingers may be eight years out of date, but you get the point. Thank you, Bonzo78 and company for the help.
Also shout out to the Jets’ third round picks, Cal safety Ashtyn Davis and Florida EDGE Jabari Zuniga. I don’t know shit about either but DB and EDGE are positions of need. Also, Davis’ dad was apparently the leader of a rap metal band in Santa Cruz called Code III. That’s gotta count for something.
This is all just so fantastic. Let’s get another receiver! Let’s get some more guys!
The NFL Draft is just hours away and I’m over here thinking, what could have been? What could have been if the New York Jets drafted Nick Izzo fifth overall in the 2009 NFL Draft? Do we defeat Peyton Manning and the Colts in ’09? Do we never win a game ever again? What could the last 11 years have looked like?
I don’t have those answers and I am not here to speculate, I really just wanted to try out some new photoshop skills (still have some work to do matching skin tones).
While we’re here, I will say I’m glad the Jets selected Shonn Greene at the top of the third round that same year. The Iowa product was an animal during the playoffs his rookie season and rushed for over 1,000 yards in two of his four years with Gang Green. He later signed with the Tennessee Titans for two years but he was terrible. Take a look, y’all:
Greene, now 34 years old, does not appear to have any social media accounts so I have no idea what he’s up to nowadays. And there you have it. Now you’re thinking about Shonn Greene just hours before the 2020 NFL Draft. What could have been if you didn’t click on this stupid blog?
Real quick since I already brought up the 2020 NFL Draft – I hope the Jets can snag one of the four OTs with the No. 11 pick and then go WR in Round 2. If TCU’s Jalen Reagor is still on the board when the Jets pick tomorrow night I will be very happy. I’ve consumed every mock draft on the internet and I’ve seen him go as high as mid-to-late first or later than the Jets in the second. Of course, the Jets will probably draft Rodrigo Blankenship even if Raegor is available at No. 48. Full disclosure, I have never watched that man play but he’s a speed demon and when I drafted him in the second round in my Madden franchise it was just the best. Obviously, I’m not going to pout if the Jets end up taking Jeudy, Lamb or Ruggs at No. 11. That would be fantastic too, and even more fun for my Madden franchise.
Either way this thing shakes out I’m coming out of tonight believing the Jets just elevated their team to a Super Bowl contender. It’s just what it is.