Are Toothpicks The Most Underrated Item of All Time?


Let me begin by saying I went through an 800 count box on Memorial Day weekend alone. So there’s that. The novelty of the toothpick is so powerful, people just can’t resist taking one when offered. Probably because a toothpick makes everyone feel like a fucking boss. That’s gotta be it.

Think about it- you see someone with a toothpick and you’ll immediately peg them to be a colossal douchebag. But in reality, you secretly know that having a toothpick of your own would be awesome. Subconsciously, you’re so jealous of the person with a toothpick that you’ve resorted to hating on them out of spite. Grow up. Anytime you’ve got a toothpick hanging out of the side of your grill its an immediate transformation into cool. It’s science.

In fact, I have a harder time coming up with reasons not to have a couple toothpicks handy. Especially during the summertime. Don’t really know how I ever lived without one before this past weekend. Piece of food stuck in your teeth? Toothpick. Want to stab a burger off the grill? Toothpick. Stick one in between some boobs? TitPick. Want to jazz up some slices of hero? Toothpick those bitches. “Whats up smoking hot babe at the bar, want a toothpick?”- “Oh my god, Yes!” That last one may not work 100% of the time, but 60% of the time… it works every time.

Also, it is the ultimate trademark of any badass. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a human being alive that got picked on while rocking a toothpick. Tough guy city. Confidenceville, USA. I’m talking about an elite crew:

Razor Ramon of the WWF


Sylvester Stallone in Cobra


Ryan Gosling in Drive


MLB coach Dusty Baker

Kansas City Royals v Cincinnati Reds



This Guy


That lineup is fucking STACKED. Talent for days. Bravado for weeks. Everybody looks tough as nails and its all about the toothpick. And the more people around you with a toothpick, the more likely you are to want one. Its almost cult-like. The power of the toothpick is so strong it’s not even fair.

And they have mint ones too? What’s not to love. Really can’t understand how they’re not flying off the shelves.


Case closed.

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