I was on reddit today, just after a slightly stale bowl of Frosted Flakes and a little research into which sneakers I will not be able to afford next month, when I came across this thought provoking question (Spoiler Alert: It’s the one in the title):
What Animals Would Be The Most Terrifying If They Were The Size Of A Car?
The type of question that will stop anyone dead in their tracks and spark a debate that will last a lifetime or at least the length of your average pre-game.
Because I am the one that found this question, I get to make the rules and I’m saying you can’t choose animals like lions, tigers, etc because they’re already massive and terrifying enough as it is. You can’t just take a beast of an animal, make it slightly larger and call it a day. Not up in here. Think outside the box. Think outside the bun.
Without further adieu, here are the Top-5 that I came up with:
A spider the size of a nickel can bring a grown man to his knees. A spider the size of the ones you see in Harry Potter/Lord Of The Rings is enough to make me wet the bed just thinking about it and I’m not even in bed right now.
The webs those freak bastards would weave could shut down city blocks and we’d all be rolled up like crisp jazz cigarettes in a week’s time. I’m looking outside at a van right now and I’m envisioning their fangs being the size of a windshield and I’ve officially reached my limit on spider talk for the day.
Ants, centipedes, grasshoppers, scorpions, hornets? whatever. No, no, no. I’m not a zoologist but I’m 99% certain insects don’t actually qualify as animals so maybe this selection will be omitted by the government when they review this list at the White House- still it needs to be said.
If ANY insect grew 1 million times it’s average size like some Honey I Shrunk The Kids shit it would be among the most terrifying things the free world has ever seen. And that’s including the World Wars, Michael Jackson’s transformation into a porcelain doll, and the Prohibition Era.
Frogs in real life? No problem. Tremendous toads, the size of a Volvo? No thank you. The aforementioned spiders and insects are obvious selections for this list, but frogs aren’t necessarily one that immediately comes to minds.
First things first, frogs can jump. Again, herpetology wasn’t my concentration at SUNY Albany, but I’m confident in my assessment about frogs being able to jump. Now imagine the damage that a frog the size of a car could do. They’d be smashing buildings, buses and humans like a real life Rampage World Tour.
Second things second, frogs have extremely sticky tongues that act like whips. I’m thinking a car-sized toad could pick you off from about 1/3 of a city block away.
A car-sized chicken is basically a fucking dinosaur. That one just came to me.
Honey badgers are the most underrated, terrifying killers on the planet and they’re about the size of a goddamn beaver as is. A car is at least twice as big as your average adult honey badger, which would make these car-sized HB’s twice as lethal, twice as menacing, and twice as horrifying.
If every animal on Earth were the size of a Toyota and they were all thrown into a gigantic ring of death, my money is on the Honey Badger to come out on top or at the very least have the most confirmed kills. So congratulations to the Mustelidae* fam.
*Mustelidae– The Mustelidae (from Latin mustela, weasel) are a family of carnivorous mammals, including the otter, badger, weasel, marten, ferret, mink and wolverine.