The smartest, coolest, most badass dog in the history of showbiz. A question that’s plagued society since the merger. What’s the merger, you ask? Like anyone can even know the answer to that. It’s just a reference to a time long before ours- when men were men, and sheep were scared; and the debate was just as fierce as it is today.
I’ve taken the liberty to narrow it down to three candidates. No cartoons- so that pothead Scooby-Doo, Clifford’s big red ass, and that pompous runt Porckchop are fucking out.
It comes down to Lassie, AirBud, and Beethoven. In short: A bitch, a gimmick, and a boss. I’ll break it down further for those of you who are still torn.
First up: Lassie
Quick fact: I wasn’t born in the 1950’s. With that, I had to do some investigative research into Lassie’s past. She was the pioneer of dogs as far as show business goes, and was America’s bitch from 1954-73 when her television series aired.
All in all, I gave up my research after approximately six minutes because I think she just barked when her owners were in trouble and then just did regular dog shit. Bored me to tears. Thanks for coming out, Lassie.
Guess what? I never even saw any AirBud movie because why would I. Any mutt at the park can catch a frisbee. I read the plot though, because I like to be thorough in my research. Apparently, Buddy can shoot a ball into a hoop and people lose their shit. Yeah, that’s sweet I’m not going to lie to you.
But as far as tricks are concerned, that’s all this pooch is, a circus act. He catches balls, and can fucking dunk I guess. Doesn’t really do anything other than be a freak athlete. Meat Head City. As the subtitle indicates; He sits. He Stays. He Shoots. He scores. Cool story. That’s not going to cut it when you’re running for king doggie of Hollywood. It’s called versatility, ever heard of it?
The clear cut winner. Smartest, coolest, most badass dog in show biz. Beethoven. I’m pretty sure he had a human brain. The Newton family vented to him and he reacted. Protector, great listener, lover, father, vigilante, matchmaker, hamburger eating contest champion, the list goes on. Track record a mile long, dog absolutely brings the thunder everyday of his life.
First off, he escapes from the bad guy’s van as a fucking puppy. Couldn’t even lift his leg yet and he’s jumping out the back of a van like a superhero. He listens to Ryce* bitch about how ugly she is. “Whatsup Ryce*, can’t get a boyfriend on your own? No problem, I’ll just break the ice and get you on the fast track to the cool kids table. You’ll be the slut of your dreams in a jiff!” He picks up a stick, brings it over to her crush, and drags the boy back to her so they can fall in love. In a similar situation, AirBud would’ve just tried to play fetch, like a selfish dick jock.
Next, he saves that pussy Ted from getting his ass kicked, because like any loving protector he’s always got his head on a swivel. Doesn’t even want credit for it either, as he hides behind the bushes afterwards. Humble as fuck. Also, remember when that little rascal Emily almost fucking drowns in the pool? This girl was on the verge of death, and Beethoven jumped in the pool and swam her to safety. No need for a nanny when the B-Man is patrolling the yard.
Lastly, he goes IN on the bad guys at the end, resulting in their indictment and saving the entire Newton clan. My heart is pounding through my ears right now! Not satisfied? Can’t remember what he did for an encore?
Umm I don’t know maybe he just saves Ryce from getting raped, demolishes the kid’s entire house, wins a hamburger eating contest saving that wastoid-shitbag George Newton from humiliation, rescues his puppies and his girlfriend Missy, sends the bad guys up the river, and ultimately stays with his family like the stand-up dog he is.
Smart, cool, badass-Beethoven. Unanimous King Dog of Showbiz.
***It’s spelled Ryce with a “Y”. I looked it up. Try and catch me slipping.