Monthly Archives: February 2016

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The Best Save Of 2016

Make no mistake about it, whoever was manning the camera would’ve had their eyes clawed out if it weren’t for man’s best friend here. This is not an exaggeration. There would’ve been eyeballs rolling around on that beautiful comforter and screams that could be heard from outer space had this dog not had his/her head on a swivel.

Paws down the best save of 2016. I am so, so sorry for doing that.

Unfortunately, this heroic pooch didn’t have the heart to finish the deal so now it’s on the owner to flush this lethal feline down the toilet.

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An Update On The Horniest Coaching Staff In NBA History

When Derek Fisher couldn't keep his wiener in his pants (and because he was totally incompetent as a head coach) the Knicks gave him the boot and promoted Kurt Rambis from assistant to HC.

And just 3 games (1-2 for those scoring at home) into his, hopefully brief, role as ringleader of the Knicks, ya boy Kurt has been outed as a dick-swinging horndog who simply can’t resist a good girl-on-girl masturbation photo and a daily dose of the greatest butts on twitter.

This is all well and fine if you’re a 27 year old commissioner of a fantasy football league, but when you’re in charge of turning around a supremely disappointing season and convincing a fanbase, that has hitched its wagons to a 7’3 Godsend from Latvia, that you’re the man for the job- this isn’t what we had in mind.

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Of course, Rambis and the organization are going with the ‘He was hacked’ approach but it doesn’t even matter (Might be the most bizarre twitter hack of all time, tbh). This is all par for the course when you’re talking about the league’s greatest circus act.

Now, do I really believe Rambass was really perusing twitter looking to publicly show his support for some softcore Asian persuasion? No, I do not. But when the former head coach was trying to bang every girl/wife/ex-wife in sight, it’s only natural that his influence would trickle down to the rest of the staff.

It’s not Kurt’s fault that he can’t resist a little bit of ass play during his down time, he’s just the product of his environment, much like the rest of this shitty team.

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NBA Trade Deadline Recap

We’ve reached 3:00 pm on the East coast. My smoke detector is still blaring, but here’s an exclusive in-depth look at each of the league-altering trades that went down (or didn’t) just before the NBA’s deadline.

Markieff Morris is heading to the Wizards. Washington sends Kris Kardashian Humphries, Dejuan Blair and a (1-9 protected) 1st rounder to PHX.

Peace, bitches

Lance Stephen (AND a 1st round pick) was traded to Memphis for Jeff Green. A locker room consisting of ZBo, Matt Barnes, PJ Hairston, Tony Allen, Birdman and Lance. Vincent Kennedy McMahon is already penciling in their opponents for Survivor Series.

The Cavs landed Channing Frye. Kevin Love is still marinating in LeBron’s farts.

Shockingly, the Houston Rockets couldn’t find anyone to take the giggling 7′ earth worm, Dwight Howard, off of their hands.

Never forget:

Stay D12 Lakers billboard

Finally, Kirk Hinrich HAS COME BAAAACK… to Atlanta. Bulls get a 2nd rounder.

In a surprise to literally no one, the Knicks were unable to move Jose Calderon before the buzzer. Thankfully, he’s confident in the Knicks’ chances to make the playoffs, because he saw them do it (when he was tripping on LSD in the Spanish Riviera?)

And lastly…

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Lionel Messi Confirms That He Is A Wizard

Trying to find the best way to put the difficulty of this shot into perspective, but it’s nearly impossible especially considering how effortless Lionel Messi made it seem. Casual AF, just chipping in shots from 5-7 yards behind the net with one of those little dog harnesses on.

The closest thing I can think of: it’s like cleanly banking in a shot from the baseline, but if you’re shooting the ball behind your back and your eyes are closed.

If Steph Curry were a futbol player…

Lionel Messi scores from behind the goal

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Let’s Take A Look At The New Yeezy Boost Hotness

If you thought the first batch of Yeezy Boosts were disgusting, overrated, etc… then there isn’t a word in Miriam Webster’s dictionary that could accurately describe your feelings about the newest additions to Kanye West’s Adidas footwear line.

The 4 new Yeezy 350 Boosts (the low top jawns) are far more decorated than the initial pairs that released and unless you’re on Kanye’s level of genius, you’ll agree that the dog-puke yellow, and jail-house zebra striped, slipper looking moccasin things are a zero out of 10. Especially because they cost roughly $220 bones.

I neither hated or loved the first colors that dropped, but I can definitively say these new ones are the most overhyped sneakers since overhyped sneakers became an official stat.

Surely I’m just some simpleton idiot moron who can’t wrap my brain around the creative masterpiece that is the new Yeezy Boost, but is it wrong to assume his infant daughter is secretly designing all of these shoes? Some squiggly lines, some outrageous colors, and a fucking stripe? Looks like the work of someone with a very small brain to me.

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Introducing My Mount Rushmore Of Pablos, In Honor Of Kanye’s “The Life Of Pablo”

Nobody loves a good acronym more than me. The newest addition to the APAAWC [Abbreviation Pronounced As A Word Club] is TLOP, which comes to us courtesy of Kanye West.

Earlier this week, KW tweeted that ‘TLOP’ would be the name of his new album and that anybody who could figure out the meaning behind the acronym would win some free Yeezys.

Shockingly, Terminal Lack Of Pussy was not the right answer.

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Instead, Kanye decided to name his self-proclaimed ‘album of the life,’ The Life Of Pablo. I never got to know anyone named Pablo, but in middle school I did know of a kid named Paco who wore a tuxedo t-shirt to basketball tryouts and also puked all over the court during some routine drills. He was immediately cut.

Anyway…

Kanye went from ‘So Help Me God’ to ‘SWISH’ to ‘WAVES’ to ‘TLOP’ and I couldn’t care less but I do want to reflect on some of my favorite of Pablos, because I may never have the opportunity to do so again without coming across as a total lunatic. Strike while the iron is hot, amirite?

Pablo Escobar

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We all know the story. Cocaine & Money. And murder and political corruption but who’s counting? If we’re going to sculpt dudes named Pablo into a fictional mountain of prestige, El Patron is getting a spot.

Pablo Picasso

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I’m not a huge fan of Pablo Picasso’s art, but the fact that he made it- I respect that. Dude made a fortune out of mashing up a bunch of body parts in a painting and convincing everyone it was actually the coolest shit they’ve ever seen. I have next level respect for a guy like that, the likes of which can only be appropriately honored on a gigantic mountain range.

Pablo Prigioni

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Old rectangle head! The Michael Jordan of stealing meaningless inbounds passes. This wily, 38-year old, Argentinian menace is still clocking minutes in the NBA, averaging a jaw-dropping 2 & 2 per night. More importantly, given the shape of his face, he’ll be a perfect fit for the Abe Lincoln spot on Mount Pablo.

Pablo Sanchez

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Behold, the king of kings. Pablo Sanchez. The Great Bambino of Backyard Baseball. Per his official player card, “Pablo does not speak any English, it seems. But he knows the language of baseball and knows it well. Simply put, this kid is good. So fucking good.”

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Dan Le Batard Completely Disrespected Emmanuel Sanders Today

Emmanuel Sanders went on the Dan Le Batard Show for an interview today and disrespected beyond belief. I’ve never heard anything like it.

First, Le Batard had the audacity to ask Emmanuel how he felt about Lisa Ann saying he’s the #1 player on the Broncos that she’d want to “cook dinner for.” What a complete asshole! Isn’t this a sports show? How about some x’s and o’s talk? How about we talk about that one slant route? Or what about the film study prior to the big game? That’s what the viewers really want. Shame.

[Audio of that Lisa Ann clip at 6:40 here]

But Le Batard wasn’t done there. He further insulted Emmanuel Sanders by forcing him to play a horrific game of “Does Wade Philips look like he could be a guy on a bottle of BBQ sauces” and “Does Gary Kubiak look like an Aspen ski instructor.”

An all-time disrespectful interview. Thankful that I don’t have children because how would I explain this to them? Really feel sorry for the viewers though, #WheresTheRespect ?

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Kidding aside, I fucking hate the Dan Le Batard Show, specifically his father who irritates me more than a jellyfish sting under my nutsack.

That said, Emmanuel Sanders is a fool for thinking he wouldn’t have to answer some silly questions on the show and an even bigger loser for crying about it on twitter afterward.

You just won a Super Bowl, and that means a few things- You’re going to have to field a couple of questions about legendary MILF pornstars and jokes about your coaches. Just be glad the media isn’t grilling you about a fumble that you chose not to dive on in the biggest game of your life.