Let’s dress up as pirate captains and go to the Utah Utes basketball game they said…
Lady Liberty will bring a cute friend they said…
Captain Of Team 3rd Wheel Checking In From Utah
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Monthly Archives: February 2016
Another One
It’s the freaking weekend baby I’m about to have me some fun
Donald Trump Converse All-Stars Are The Hottest Kicks On The Campaign Trail
Word on the street is that some iconic Jordans, the ‘True Blue’ Air Jordan 3 and the ‘Space Jam’ Air Jordan 11, will be returning later this year. That’s fucking terrific.
But the real sneaker story of the day is the official unveiling of the ‘Donald Trump’ Converse All-Star. Run faster, debate harder.
These aren’t an official Converse sneaker but if I know Trump supporters and “Make America Great Again’ advocates like I think I do, these would rival one of Kanye’s Yeezy Boost releases and there isn’t even a hint of sarcasm in that statement.
The hottest kicks on the campaign trail, point blank, period.
A List Of The Knicks’ Starting PG’s Over The Last 20 Years
Believe it or not the New York Knicks actually had some solid point guard play when I was in elementary school- guys like Charlie Ward, Derek Harper and Chris Childs inspiring a younger me to chase his hoop dreams/dunk on the hoop in my room until I was blue in the face. Life was good.
That was 20 years ago. I haven’t experienced anything like that since, except for the fact that I still dunk on the hoop in my room but it’s not out of joy & hope, it’s out of depression as I seek approval from a handful of strangers on a social media app.
Since the glorious mid-90s, starting point guards for the Knicks include, but are not limited to: Howard Eisley, an over-the-hill Steve Francis, Mardy Collins, SERGIO RODRIGUEZ, a dude named Alexey, Shitface McAirballs and of course, Jose Calderon.
I knew it had been a long time since we had some quality point guard play at The Garden but not even I was prepared for this disturbing realization. By the time I had gotten to Sasha Vujacic at the bottom of this chart I was writhing on the ground in a pool of my own sweat, vomit and tears.
As they say, “The scariest horror stories are the ones that are real and the ones that feature a revolting point guard lineage.”
The tale of the Knicks point guards over the last two decades checks both boxes.
Watch As Spiderman Dies
First and foremost, I don’t ever want to hire one of these entertainers for my future child’s birthday party. Clowns, magicians, spidermans etc., all of them are either perverts or drug addicts and they are not welcome in my (future) home. That is not a generalization either, these are straight facts and if you need proof you can check out the freak shows that galavant around Times Sqaure in Sesame Street costumes.
That said, I would have erupted in laughter if I was in the building on the day that Spiderman flatlined. I can not believe how quiet the room got after Peter Parker’s chin bounced off the tile floor. Everyone is mortified standing around like, “Dude what were you thinking? We were just about to hang a pinata and call it a day, this isn’t cirque du soleil.”
It’s simple- Maybe shoot some silly string webs out of your wrist or pretend to scale a wall, hand out some plastic spiders, collect your cash and continue your hunt of the magic dragon.
Nope. You had to go rogue with a back flip and now your spidey senses are no longer tingling because you’ve lost feeling in everything below your hairline.
If You Got A Problem With This Dunk You Can SAFD
Getting a lot of backlash for my most recent slam dunk. And when I say, “a lot of backlash” I mean:
- “That left foot is on the ground before that ball is dunked”
- “7/10”
- “You traveled like a mofo !!! Hahaha nice”
This one is for y’all. Take it deep.
I Approve Of Tim Legler’s Solution To Tanking In The NBA
Tim Legler presented any idea today on Russillo & Kanell that would take away the incentive for NBA teams to intentionally lose in hopes of landing the #1 pick in the draft. It’s probably an idea that has been kicked around before, but I am all the way in on it.
In short: The 14 teams that don’t make the playoffs would be seeded 1-14 in a one game elimination tournament with the ultimate prize being the #1 pick in the NBA Draft. Each of the 7 losing teams from the first round would then be entered into a raffle, in which an octopus would select one franchise that has to relinquish their social media duties to Magic Johnson for the following season. The possibility of losing hundreds of thousands of followers with a couple of braindead tweets from Magic could be enough to scare these teams straight. I just went a little off the rails there but it’s something Adam Silver might want to consider.
For this idea to work, the league would have to take about a 10-day break from the end of the regular season until the start of the (real) playoffs, which is when the Draft Tournament would take place. Not ideal to have a 10 day layoff, but people would 100% watch these games- especially if their shitbag organization actually has a chance to land the #1 pick.
Of course, you’d run into some issues with teams that don’t even own the rights to their draft picks (IE: Knicks & Nets) so they wouldn’t give a shit either way. Some teams just suck because they suck, not because they’re trying to achieve some genius master plan like the almighty Sixers.
Still, this system works because it completely removes the desire to lose and promotes competitiveness among the worthless bottom feeders. Simply put, rewarding teams with a top pick because they’ve played like the Mud Dogs for 82 games isn’t American and it’s time for a change.
Vote Legler 2020.
What’s Worse Than Finding A Snake’s Head In Your Can Of Green Beans?
A woman was preparing dinner for a church event in Farmington, Utah, when she found a snake’s head in a can of Western Family Fancy Green Beans.
At first, Troy Walker thought one of the beans was burned. But then she realized that it was the head of a snake.
“As I got closer to lift it off the spoon, I saw eyes. That’s when I dropped it and screamed,” Troy said.
Later one, she returned all 30 green bean cans to the Harmons grocery store, where she had bought them from and got full refund.
It wasn’t a money issue, as Troy Walker explained. She was worried that one of the other church members would have found the body of the snake. She also sent a picture of the decapitated snake head to Western Family.
Thankfully, I’ve never once had to experience the feeling of nearly (unintentionally) eating a dead animal. I’m lucky enough to never have plucked a stale mouse out of my bucket of popcorn chicken at KFC, or kissed a toad that was rotting in my Cheesy Gordita Crunch. I am grateful.
When it comes to these types of horror stories though, the old ‘decapitated snake head in your can of fancy green beans’ has to rank as the worst of all. Because we all know the deal with snakes- Even when they’re dead, they’re still actually very much alive. And when I say, “very much alive” I mean, “they will take over your entire mind, body and soul” type of shit. Especially if it happened at some church-sponsored function. A tale right off of page 666 in the devil’s handbook.
So if Troy Walker hadn’t spotted this serpent’s head before serving it to one of her fellow church-goers, this thing could’ve potentially grown inside of some poor old lady named Muriel and oh my god this is the plot of Syfy’s next demon monster exorcist thriller. Fancy Fucking Snakes.