Monthly Archives: January 2016

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NBA2K Drops Blake Griffin’s ‘Hands’ Rating By 20 Points After Fight With Equipment Manager

I love NBA2K. I still haven’t bought 2K16 but the NBA2K series never fails. It’s the best sports video game on the market IMHO, especially since Madden became harder to play than solving a rubix cube under water in the dark.

In the latest update, 2K took a jab (pun!) at Blake Griffin for his recent fight with an assistant equipment manager, which resulted in a fractured hand and approximately 6 weeks on the sidelines. His ‘hands’ rating now sits at a cold 77, 20 points lower than the 97 he originally started with.

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Realistic AF! News leaks that you beat one of the equipment manager’s brains in on a Tuesday and by Thursday you can’t even catch a cold! Not that it will matter because I’m sure it’s still impossible to defend a CP3 x Blake Griffin oop but I still love this move by NBA2K.

They also had to jack up all of LeBron’s ratings in the latest update now that he isn’t being held back by that moron David Blatt. JR Smith too, his awareness has probably skyrocketed to a 25 by now.

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Thieves Make Off With $50,000… In ‘Prized’ Bull Semen

AP, CBS: Central California thieves have made off with nearly $50,000 in prized bull semen.

3,500 units of high-grade semen were snatched from the back of a farmer’s pickup truck in Turlock, California.

Most cows are artificially inseminated and there’s a robust and valuable market for bull semen. The victim says genetically superior bulls produced the semen.

Police believe the thieves didn’t know what they were stealing because they also siphoned gas from the farmer’s pickup. The semen was stored in special tanks full of liquid nitrogen, which can leave the thieves with frostbite or cryogenic burns if handled improperly.

“You’re trying to make a living — the loss of all those units of semen, and probably taken by someone who had no idea what they were stealing, is very frustrating,” he said.

A couple of cum cowboys are at large and it is literally ruining people’s lives. Granted, we’re not just talking about your average barrell of semen here, this is premium, ‘prized’ bull semen laced with only the purest forms of HGH. Benny The Bull type semen.

Worst of all, it’s likely these jizz bandits don’t even know that they’re sitting on a goddamn cum mine. Wake up fellas, the market is wide open, it has turned into the wild, wild west and you don’t even realize! What a bunch of idiots!

Of course, this is a v dangerous lifestyle and these crooks could still get frostbite or cryogenic burns from the liquid nitrogen but that’s just the price you pay when you’re holding 3,500 units of prized splooge.

If only Jackass were still around these guys would have no problem unloading this astronomical amount of semen.

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Grading Nike Basketball’s ‘All Star’ Collection

Nike officially debuted their collection of sneakers for the NBA All Star game, including the signature sneakers of LeBron, Kyrie, Kobe and Durant. It wasn’t very pretty.

I don’t really like any of these signature sneakers, especially the KD8 & LeBron 13, but I did my best to grade all of these on an even playing field because I am a standup guy.

I’ve taken the liberty to supply some pictures of what each shoe immediately reminded me of. I’m not a hero, just doing my best.

4. KD8- 3/10*

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I like the laces. Does remind me of a Picasso. Also like the bold color scheme for the All Star festivities and I wish I could give this sneaker a better score but it’s just not doing it for me. 

*I reviewed the rest of the shoes, came back to these, and now I like them a little more than the original score I gave of 3. If I, hypothetically speaking, stuffed a bong full of Louisiana Swamp Moss and came back to the All Star KD8 again I might even like ’em a little more. So this is a fluid situation- but now my official score is 5.7/10 definitively bumping them ahead of the LeBron 13. 

3. LeBron 13- 4.6/10

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I’m on the record as being strongly against LeBron’s signature line, specifically since the 10th sneaker came out. Having said that, I’m also a fan of this military green color. It just does it for me. It’s simple all around which I also like but would have maybe preferred to see a gum sole on these. As a whole, it just doesn’t have that ‘All Star’ vibe though- reminds me more of a Veteran’s day tribute. And because the actual sneaker is so galactic and clunky I can’t give this higher than a 5. I just won’t do it, I have standards and a reputation to uphold.

2. Kyrie 2- 6.7/10

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I don’t love the Kyrie 2 but I don’t hate it either. I do love when players wear some loud, gaudy sneakers for the All Star game and this yellow jawn really does the trick. I certainly wouldn’t be able to wear these without people hissing and spitting at me, but as an All Star sneaker for professional basketball player Kyrie Irving, I’m ok with these. 6.7 is a passing grade and that’s more than fair.

1. Kobe 11- 6.8/10

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Out of all 4 Nike sigs, the Kobe 11 is my favorite but that’s not saying much. The overall shoe reminds me of the Kobe 9, which I own a pair of (customized on NikeiD, nbd) and that’s enough to convince me that this All Star shoe is the best of the bunch. Besides, I’m getting a strong Poison Dart Frog vibe from this sneaker and I have never not been into Poison Dart Frogs.

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Shaq Found Out He Was Getting A Statue Outside Of The Staples Center Via Jimmy Kimmel

I don’t care if you think Shaq deserves a statue outside of the Staples Center or not, this sculpture is a masterpiece that can be mentioned in the same breath as MJ’s jumpman statue outside of the United Center.

A screaming 7 foot behemoth hanging from a bronzed rim with his nuts gloriously cemented in your face. Great statue to pose for a picture with, that’s for damn sure. Judging solely from the screen shot in the clip below, I’m perfectly fine giving Shaq’s statue an 11/10.

So now the Lakers will have Jerry West, Magic, Kareem and Shaq triumphantly displayed outside of their arena, with Kobe to round out the starting 5 in the near future. And all I can think about is when Kristaps Porzingis will be enshrined outside of MSG which, according to my calculations, should be completed by mid April.

Also cool that Shaq was genuinely surprised by this news too. Odd choice by the Lakers to let Jimmy Kimmel break the news to The Diesel that he would be immortalized outside of the Staples Center but that’s just Hollywood baby!

 

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Sting Will Be Performing During The NBA All-Star Game Halftime Show

Sting, not Drake or any other artist that the NBA’s youthful audience might be familiar with, has been selected to headline the halftime show during the All Star game in Toronto next month. I very much respect this move by Adam Silver and the NBA. 

“And now, allow me to introduce your halftime performer…. FABOLOUS AND BOBBY SHMURDA! SIKE! HERE’S MOTHERFUCKING 64-YEAR OLD STING!!! ROXANNE, BITCHES!”

There will also be a Cirque Du Soleil performance prior to the game which is worth the price of admission alone. I’ve seen Cirque Du Soleil, relatively sober, and thought it was nothing short of magnificent so their basketball inspired set is going to blow the tits off of the Air Canada Centre.

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A Collection Of The Best Images From The Kanye x Wiz x Amber Twitter Beef

Today, January 27th, 2016, Wiz Khalifa sent out a tweet referencing ‘KK’ which apparently stands for Khalifa Kush? The always humble Kanye West thought he was slandering his wife, and went on a 17+ tweet onslaught, dragging Amber Rose through the mud in the process.

Twitter was ablaze, especially after Amber caught wind of the beef and let the world know that Kanye enjoys having things shoved up his ass.

What a wild afternoon. January 27th, so hot right now. January 27th.

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Jr Smith’s Skills Clinic Is Going To Be Lit

JR Smith has officially announced that he’ll be hosting the first annual ‘JR Smith Skills Clinic’ in Medina, Ohio this March. The three hour clinic (100% chance of an after-clinc party) will run you $150 but will also include a free t-shirt and a signed photo of Mr Swish himself.

The flyer advertises, “intense skill work ran by NBA Trainer Robbie Haught,” and “surprise guest appearances,” but here’s what your 10-18 year old child can really expect to learn from the JR Smith experience:

  1. How to masterfully slide into the DMs
  2. The art of gamesmanship (Ex: Untying opponents shoes and elbowing guys in the face during crucial playoff moments)
  3. Butts. An extensive testimonial all about big, ridiculous asses
  4. How to be the best bad-shot shooter. You won’t learn that “elbow in” nonsense or how to properly square up your shoulders toward the hoop, but you will learn how to drill a fadeaway from the corner with a hand in your face when there’s 16 seconds left on the shot clock
  5. Tips on getting drunk as a skunk the night before a big game. If you want tips on how to perform after such a night, you’ll need to sign up for the premium package of the JR Smith Skillz Clinc
  6. A better way to spend $150 for three hours of entertainment
  7. Surprise guests: Chicks with bottles (and large butts)