Monthly Archives: August 2013

Giant Panda Born At Washington’s National Zoo


NYDN : A giant panda cub born at the Smithsonian’s National Zoo was in perfect health on Sunday — one day after its sibling was stillborn, officials said. The 4.8-ounce panda, born Friday afternoon, squealed as a zookeeper pried it from the mother, Mei Xiang, so staff members could check the cub’s vitals Sunday morning, officials said.

The mother wouldn’t let staff members close to the living cub for two days, until panda keeper Marty Dearie managed to pull the tiny creature from her paws, officials said. During the quick check-up, the mother became agitated and began growling as she paced back and forth in her den. But the mother quickly calmed once workers reunited her with the cub, which she began to cradle once it was placed back in her arms.


Great story. Compelling, and rich. Somewhere, Ron Burgundy and the channel 4 news team is smiling.

Kudos to Marty Dearie for having the stones to get in a cage with a postnatal panda. Listen, I know a ton about animals. That includes knowing that pandas have the most vicious tendencies per adorable tendencies in the animal kingdom. For every ounce of cute, it is matched with an ounce of demonic ferocity. Two face city. Just happy to know everyone came out unharmed including the panda cub, that jovial/satanic fuck.


R.I.P- This Babe Just Crushed The Beauty Pageant

You ever wonder would it would be like if one of those live auctioneers had a full blown seizure mid rabble? Well, the lady in the very beginning of the video just put on a clinic for a solid 3 seconds. Clean it up scatter brain. As for miss Joanlia Lising, “Seeing is the best sense that we could ever see, because seeing is believing.” UhhhYaAh, nailed it.

Top 5 senses in order: Seeing, hearing gotta go 1&2. Taste third, because tasting food is pretty cool. I love me a good scent, but I think I could live without smelling. I think. So, that leaves touch fourth because I don’t want to be completely numb. Smell fifth.

25 Black People Thrown Out of Restaurant Because White Customer Felt Threatened


HuffPoAccording to CBS affiliate WCSC-TV, Michael Brown and 24 of his family and friends were at Wild Wing Cafe celebrating his cousin’s final day in Charleston, S.C., last month when the group was suddenly told to leave. 

The reason? The shift manager allegedly told Brown that a white customer felt “threatened” by his party. “[That] totally alarmed all of us because we’re sitting there peaceably for two hours,” Brown told the news outlet.

WCSC-TV reports that a representative at the chain reached out to Brown to apologize and offer a free meal for the group.



Waiting two hours for a table is outrageous in it’s own right. Waiting two hours for a table and then being told to straight up leave? It’s a miracle nobody was killed. This mystery white customer is a total dick, and should move back to Louisianna. South Carolina is too far north for this kind of racism.

Pretty intimidating group shot though. Like if they didn’t want to appear threatening in this group shot I would’ve hid all the flexing jacked dudes in the back. And with that many umbrellas its reasonable to assume 1/3 of the group are fucking psychos. Also, every single one of the chicks in that photo made me piss my pants, and I’m at least 4 states away from South Carolina. I’m not saying I would’ve cried about it to a shift manager or anything, but I’m also not saying I wouldn’t have flat out cried.

100% chance the “free meal” was set for a pre-determined time, when the restaurant is completely empty, so as to not upset the white customers.

Lastly, you think it was Michael Brown’s blood related cousin? Or just like, friend cousin. I feel like the ‘cousin’ word gets tossed around real lightly nowadays and I just can’t know for sure.


Brandy Puts On A Huge Concert For Nobody


HuffPo: The “Boy is Mine” singer took the stage at the 90,000-capacity FNB Stadium to a crowd of merely 40 people. Brandy was intended as a surprise performer during the music portion of the Nelson Mandela Sport and Culture Day, but the surprise element didn’t work out in her favor. Attendees didn’t know to expect the singer, and they poured out of the stadium after a series of performers — David Jenkins, Elvis Blue, Salif Keita and D’Banj — played sets before Brandy.

Not only did Brandy not have viewers in the stadium, but she was snubbed on TV as well. SABC, South Africa’s national channel, ended its broadcast of the music performances before she took the stage, The Guardian reports.


No shit the crowd left after the musical stylings of Salif Keita and D’Banj. Who the fuck. You can’t expect people to sit through that nonsense for a surprise they don’t even know about. Be smarter than that Brandy. Although, I’m not sure they would’ve stuck around anyway. What is Brandy even doing trying to put on a surprise concert? “HEY EVERYBODY, BRANDY’S ON THE STAGE! BRANDY’S ON THE STAGE!” You fucking wish, I think they all caught wind of the surprise concert and bolted for the exits before Elvis Blue’s encore. Ain’t nobody got time for a surprise Brandy concert.


Kid Gets Kicked Out of Cardinals Game For Holding His Dad’s Beer


NYDNAn Arizona Cardinals season ticket holder claims he was booted from a preseason game by state liquor agents because his 15-year-old son was holding his beer for him while he took a photo. “I thought it was a candid camera joke. I really did,” John Coulter told USA Today.


Coulter tells the paper that he and his son had just watched the opening kickoff of Saturday’s game against the Cowboys at University of Phoenix Stadium when he turned to his son and asked him to hold his beer while he used his cell phone to snap a photo. He says that by the time he was done taking the photo, two undercover agents of the Arizona Department of Liquor Licenses and Control confronted him. “(They said) ’What you did was illegal, and I could have you arrested for it.’”



First off, I never hand my beer to anyone. I’m fully capable of placing it on the floor or holding it with my teeth if need be. Got to be able to handle taking a grainy photo like a man and just one hand it.

Secondly, undercover agents trolling around football stadiums are absolutely despicable. Couldn’t even imagine they existed, not even in my scariest nightmares. But it’s real, and it’s just about as un-American as a human can get. A couple of gutless punks sneaking up on people that are trying to enjoy America’s greatest game and pressing them over a cup of beer is borderline terrorism.

Thirdly, ever heard of a warning? Christ, it was just after kickoff and these jabronis swooped in to ruin a perfectly good father/son day. If this stunt wasn’t met with a chorus of booze from the people in their section, I’ve lost all faith in our society.

Meet The Jackass Cab Driver Who Almost Killed Some Girl in Midtown


NYPOST:  The road-rage cabby who jumped a Midtown curb and crushed a young British tourist admitted yesterday he’s a lousy driver who has no business behind the wheel. “I don’t want to drive a taxi,” Mohammed Faysal Himon, 24, told The Post in an exclusive interview from a relative’s home in The Bronx.

Himon — who was not authorized to drive the cab that slammed into Sian Green, 23, likely costing her both legs — copped to a previous laundry list of moving violations, including an accident that injured a passenger in 2010. “I need a more suitable job. There’s too much stress when you’re driving in the city,” Himon said.

I hate Faysal Himon. The balls on this guy to say he “doesn’t want to drive a taxi anymore.” A day late and a dollar short bruh. The empty notion of, “I think I’ll get a job I can actually handle, now that I’ve completely ruined someone’s life” is bologna. That’s like a Taco Bell food inspector saying he’ll get a more suitable job immediately after he lets a couple hundred pallets of grade-Z meat pass through inspection, resulting in a humongous E.coli outbreak. It’s like that times 10 though, because this mutt permanently disfigured someone. Too much stress driving a cab around midtown Manhattan eh, HIMON? Wahhh. When did you figure that one out? Easily the most stressful job in the world, especially when you’re a tool who’s not even authorized to drive the damn thing. Your face pisses me off.

Chick Sleeps for 59 Days


DM: Last year Imaarl Duprey, 23, slept almost continuously for 59 days and behaved as if she was a small child during the episode. The graduate suffers from Kleine Levin Syndrome (KLS) – dubbed Sleeping Beauty Syndrome – which affects just 1,000 people in the world and can cause her to become incredibly drowsy without warning.

Mother Kerry, a teaching assistant, said: ‘If it was just sleeping it would be so much easier. ‘When I wake her so she can use the bathroom or eat something, she’s a different person completely. ‘Imaarl’s gone. She’s somewhere else. She’s replaced by a toddler. It’s been a stressful time.’

‘One night I was in a club and I remember lying on the floor. Everyone was walking past me. Luckily, a group of teachers from my hotel found me and took me back to my friends. It’s terrifying to think what could have happened.

To make sense of life within an episode, Imaarl will follow a repetitive routine when she’s awake. She watches movies on repeat and eats the same food constantly, while Kerry and Shahnequa ensure Imaarl eats properly and stays hydrated.


Hmm. So this bitch is a lazy, exhausted college student who gets grumpy when she gets woken up? And she’s one out of a thousand? Yeah, no. I am impressed with the whole 59 day horizontal streak though, thats fucking legendary. And she almost sold me on having a real disorder with that, “lying on the floor of a club” episode. ALMOST bought that, but I understand to make your story believable you’ll need at least one outrageous tale. You know, you can’t bullshit a bullshitter.

And then we find out to cope with her problems she watches the same movies and eats the same food every night? Do you know how many times I ate pizza and watched Wheel of Fortune in college to cope with my laziness, crankiness, and exhaustion? I’ll tell you, it was 4 out of 7 days a week. The other 3 days I just drank. Baby KLS right there. So either I was #1,001 and have since cured myself sans medical attention, or Duprey needs to give up this stunt and drink a Redbull. I’d prefer the latter.


Mike Tyson Plays His Video Game For The First Time

What? How has Mike Tyson never played Mike Tyson Punch out before? I mean, I guess he had his hands full knocking people’s lights out, packing pigeons beaks, and also packing his own beak. But if there was a game named after me, I got first game. Or at the very least, one game within the first 25 years of its existence. Can’t have my name on something for 25 years without a seal of approval. And Tyson has to bite through the cord, off camera, after he gets KO’d at the end of that video, I’ve already played it out in my mind.