Monthly Archives: July 2013

What Kind of Asshole Vandalizes the Lincoln Memorial?


Gawker: U.S. Park Police today closed the Lincoln Memorial until further notice after vandals splattered green paint all over the statue and the floor. Surveillance cameras are situated on both sides of the monument, but it remains unclear if footage of the perp or perps was captured.

“I have no idea who would want to do something like that,” a passer-by told NBC Washington. “To me, it’s defacing America. It’s not just defacing the Lincoln Memorial, but it’s something against all of America.” Cleaning crews were called in this morning, but it’s unknown how long it will be before the Memorial is once again open to the public.

The Lincoln Memorial is hands down the coolest thing at the National Mall. An enormous statue of a bro just sitting down. Love it. Just makes you want to go to Washington D.C and take pictures with it all day and night. Maybe even wake up next to it and do it all over again, I don’t know, I’m just saying it could get crazy. Splashing green paint on said statue is the wildest idea anybody could ever have. You want to tag the Washington Monument with giant dicks like you’re back in 6th grade? Go for it. Vomit on the U.S Capitol? More power to you. But do not get cocky in Lincoln’s house. We need to find the sicko’s responsible. And when I say “we”, I mean somebody other than myself.

American Family Finds Rare 6-Legged Octopus on Vacation & Smash it to Death


DailyMail: A US citizen told how he caught and ate an octopus on holiday- only to discover it was the second rare six-legged specimen ever found. Mechanical engineer Labros Hydras, 49, pulled the creature- dubbed a ‘hexapus’ – from the sea as he went snorkelling in Greece. He and his son followed local tradition by smashing it against a rock to kill it and then took it to a nearby taverna to cook.

The chef refused to cook it for him because it was so rare and told Labros he should have let the octopus live. But the father-of-two,who was born in Greece and now lives in Washington D.C., fried it for his supper anyway and served it up with a slice of tomato and lemon. After finishing it off he decided to check out what the chef had said – and felt sick when he realized what he had done.

‘We go to Greece every year and when we catch an octopus we do the same thing so we just did not think about it.’

This Labros Hydras guy is a real dick huh? The chef said its rarer than a black unicorn, maybe call a scientist or something before you pepper it with garnish and feed it to your savage children. Hey Labros, that a fucking hextapus you’ve got there, ease up on the smashing against a rock routine! Just a cold-blooded octopus addict like the world has never seen. Nothing was going to stop him from feasting on cephalopods* that day, not even a fire. I’ve got to believe that if you’re a true octopus hunter you’d recognize when one only has 6 tentacles instead of 8. Which leads me to believe this maniac knew exactly what he was doing and is in fact, a total dick.

*In case you were wondering; A cephalopod is any member of the molluscan class Cephalopoda (Greek plural κεφαλόποδα (kephalópoda); “head-feet”). These exclusively marine animals are characterized by bilateral body symmetry, a prominent head, and a set of arms or tentacles (muscular hydrostats) modified from the primitive molluscan foot. Keep up.

Florida Man Starts a Fire So He Can Help Put it Out. Causes $500,000 in Damages.


HuffPo : Joseph Brannen, 18, is in hot water after police say he admitted he purposely started a fire at his local library, so he could help put it out. Brannen told authorities he had heard the fire call over the scanner and wanted to help fight the blaze with the equipment he purchased on eBay. 

Brannen claimed to be a professional firefighter on Facebook, where his profile stated he was employed by Hillsborough County Fire Rescue.

During a voluntary interview, the suspect admitted to starting the blaze in hopes of helping the professional firefighters, according to a release from the Hernando County Sheriff’s Dept.

Brannen was charged with second-degree arson and is being held at the Hernando County Jail on $3,000 bond. The damage from the fire is estimated to be more than $500,000.


Fake Facebook firefighters are my least favorite firefighters. Having said that, I kind of respect this move. If you want to be the best, you’ve got to beat the best. And in the world of fires, you’ve got to slay the biggest inferno if you want to play with the Ladder 49 boys. You’re never going to get to slide down 20 foot poles and ride around with a sweet Dalmatian just blowing out birthday candles. Sometimes you just have to create the big stage for yourself and seize the moment. And by that I mean, set a public library on fire and lie in the weeds with your authentic EBay fire equipment and hope to become the MVP. You miss 100% of the fires you don’t start.

More Raccoons, Except This One Sucks

This is Kevin Rose, the guy who co-founded Digg. And I have no idea what that is, but I think he’s famous for it. Two completely opposite ends of the coon spectrum today. There’s the type that taunts cats and makes a mockery of their food; witty, sly and awesome. And then there’s the type that picks street fights with dogs and gets peppered down a concrete stairwell; regretful and dead.


Raccoon Bossing Around Some Cats

I’m not a veterinarian or anything like that, but that bandit had rabies. The sun was out, the raccoon was out, boom-rabies. Thats how rabies works. I’ve never formally researched it or anything, it’s just common sense. And the fact that the person video taping let a rabid coon run up on their cat posse, tells me they don’t like their cats very much and I don’t blame them.


PayPal Accidentally Credits Man With 92 Quadrillion Dollars


: Chris Reynolds of Media, PA logged on to his PayPal account this month to discover he had been credited the ridiculous amount of $92,233,720,368,547,800. Reynolds was understandably shocked, but it was short lived. He logged on again a little bit later and found his balance had been reverted to zero.
PayPal adrdressed the error, telling the BBC, “This was obviously an error and we appreciate that Mr. Reynolds understands this was the case.”
Had the balance been a correct one, Reynolds reveals he would have used the money to “pay the national debt down. Then I would buy the Phillies, if I could get a great price.”

You throw up in this situation right? Like you log on to PayPal, you’re somehow a quadrillionaire, and you vomit. That has to be the play here. Just uncontrollable anxiety heaves until your blue in the face, and then eventually start thinking about ways to spend it. And even assuming it was miraculously the true balance of your account, “paying the national debt” is definitely not what you’re trying to do. Even with 92 fucking quad. Chris Reynolds: Professional Bozo.

I don’t care if I’m an infinity times infinity-aire, paying national debt is not on my list. Vegas trip with 6,000 of my closest friends, hire a personal chef, buy a shit load of homes all over the globe, buy some sweet night vision goggles, buy an alien, etc… Who can even begin to know the type of shit ill do with 92 quadrillion dollars. Pay a scientist to invent a way to make miniature wild life animals to be owned like pets. Like a dog-sized lion or elephant, or a full grown gorilla the size of a puppy. That’s the type of goods you want to be throwing money at, not the fucking debt. Try harder Chris Reynolds.

Dude Wins Drinking Contest, Promptly Dies.


HuffPoJoaquín Alcaraz Gracia claimed the title of beer drinking champ during a festival in Spain Wednesday, but his victory was short-lived. The 45-year-old man died after the beer drinking contest, during which he reportedly consumed six liters of brew (about 12.5 pints) in 20 minutes.

According to local reports, Gracia won the drinking festival’s top prize and hoisted his trophy into the air. But the event, held in the Gea y Truyols district of Murcia, took a tragic turn soon after when Gracia began to vomit and didn’t stop. 


I respect the shit out of Joaquin Alcaraz Gracia, I really do. But, this is one of those things where you win, but the person who wins isn’t really winning. Understand? Bottomline, there are no winners in the competitive speed drinking circuits.

Lets say for example, I dont know, that time in college when your roommates have a Captain Morgan’s bottle race. First to finish wins. And the guy who wins by finishing his bottle first, starts puking everywhere, cant stand up straight, falls on his desk, catches himself with his chin, passes out in the hallway, and eventually gets kicked out of college. I seent it!

Exactly the same as Joaquin, except my roommate just briefly enrolled at another college before getting accepted again and ultimately going on to live a successful life. Joaquin just went into cardiac arrest and died.

West Nile Virus Is Still A Thing?


HuffPo: The West Nile virus has been detected in New York City mosquitoes for the first time this summer, according to the city’s Health Department. The infected mosquitoes were found in the Pomonok neighborhood in Queens and the Huguenot Beach neighborhood on Staten Island.  In 2012, 41 people in the city tested positive for the disease. Throughout the country, deaths from West Nile virus hit a record high last year, when it killed 286 people.

Who knew? I thought that shit was over in like ’05. Thought it was all just a craze like that Swine Flu nonsense. Give me a break. You’ve got to be a real schlep if you contract West Nile. Probably the wussiest virus of all viruses. I’ll rue the day a mosquito buries my dead ass. It’s just not feasible. In fact, I’m totally confident that I am immune to West Nile virus, so I really have nothing to worry about. I’ve never been more certain of anything in my entire life. Life certainties: Death, Taxes, and my immunity to West Nile.

The only thing worse than dying from a mosquito bite is probably listening to the KidZ Bop version of Macklemore’s “Thrift shop” on repeat, for the rest of your life. 1 and 1A on the “Worst Things Ever” list. Get ready to kill yourself…