Gawker: Earlier this month, a man caught and killed a nearly 19-foot, 128-pound Burmese python near Miami. The snake is believe to be the largest ever captured in the state of Florida.
On May 11, Jason Leon spotted roughly three feet of python protruding from some bushes in a rural area of Miami-Dade County. He pulled the 18-foot, 8-inch python to the road, only to lose control of the giant female snake, which quickly wrapped itself around his arms and legs. After calling for help, Leon killed the python with a knife.
The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission released a statement thanking Leon: “Jason Leon’s nighttime sighting and capture of a Burmese python of more than 18 feet in length is a notable accomplishment that set a Florida record. The FWC is grateful to him both for safely removing such a large Burmese python and for reporting its capture,” said Kristen Sommers, with FWC, in a release.
Let’s start from the top. What’s this guys deal? The guy who’s looking for a snake to fuck with in the dark. I’m not messing around with no snakes in the light, and that goes double when it’s dark. Now, you see 3 ft of snake protruding from some brush- your first instinct should never be to go over there. In fact, your first move should be to grab a weapon, and run in the other direction. I’ve watched a lot of Animal Planet, trust me. Albeit, Florida does offer rewards for these type of captures, it’d have to be an outrageously large sum of money for me to even consider taking on 3 ft+ of death beast. And I’d have to be with a team of people, equipped with guns. Lots of guns. And video cameras so I can prove how heroic I am.
Well what do you know, you pull a fucking 19 foot mammoth python out of its habitat, irritating the shit out of it, and now it’s coiled around your legs and arms like a corkscrew. That escalated quickly didn’t it, Jason? The fact that you had to call for help is INSANE. That means nobody was even paying attention in the first place. Smooth.
Finally, even after a snake has been knifed to oblivion, there is no reason to wrap it up in your arms like this super bro, Jason Leon did. Even after an official autopsy has been preformed, I’ll still assume the bitch is playing possum just waiting to squeeze my forearms clean off of my elbow.
For the people laying next to the slithering prick- Not my idea of fun. Dead snake is just as frightening as a live snake. Cut off a snakes head, and its still writhing around probably capable of wiping out an entire suburb. There is now way I snuggle up next to a serpent and expect it not to spring back to life and swallow me whole. Just estimate how long it is, call it a record, put that thing in a furnace and send it back to hell.