Monthly Archives: May 2013

Woman Finds Dog on Live TV After Oklahoma Tornadoes

Devastating news out of Oklahoma. With all that has happened the past few months, there is no way you can’t consider each day as a gift. If not, you need to check yourself. Within seconds an entire suburb, Moore, was absolutely destroyed. As this woman says in the interview, “It was there, and it was gone.” This seems like an empty, cliche sentiment but it needs to be said that the thoughts, prayers, and best wishes are with everyone effected as well as the rescue workers.

This, right here, is awesome:

Record Size Python Found in Florida

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Gawker: Earlier this month, a man caught and killed a nearly 19-foot, 128-pound Burmese python near Miami. The snake is believe to be the largest ever captured in the state of Florida.

On May 11, Jason Leon spotted roughly three feet of python protruding from some bushes in a rural area of Miami-Dade County. He pulled the 18-foot, 8-inch python to the road, only to lose control of the giant female snake, which quickly wrapped itself around his arms and legs. After calling for help, Leon killed the python with a knife.

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission released a statement thanking Leon: “Jason Leon’s nighttime sighting and capture of a Burmese python of more than 18 feet in length is a notable accomplishment that set a Florida record. The FWC is grateful to him both for safely removing such a large Burmese python and for reporting its capture,” said Kristen Sommers, with FWC, in a release.

Let’s start from the top. What’s this guys deal? The guy who’s looking for a snake to fuck with in the dark. I’m not messing around with no snakes in the light, and that goes double when it’s dark. Now, you see 3 ft of snake protruding from some brush- your first instinct should never be to go over there. In fact, your first move should be to grab a weapon, and run in the other direction. I’ve watched a lot of Animal Planet, trust me. Albeit, Florida does offer rewards for these type of captures, it’d have to be an outrageously large sum of money for me to even consider taking on 3 ft+ of death beast. And I’d have to be with a team of people, equipped with guns. Lots of guns. And video cameras so I can prove how heroic I am.

Well what do you know, you pull a fucking 19 foot mammoth python out of its habitat, irritating the shit out of it, and now it’s coiled around your legs and arms like a corkscrew. That escalated quickly didn’t it, Jason? The fact that you had to call for help is INSANE. That means nobody was even paying attention in the first place. Smooth.

Finally, even after a snake has been knifed to oblivion, there is no reason to wrap it up in your arms like this super bro, Jason Leon did. Even after an official autopsy has been preformed, I’ll still assume the bitch is playing possum just waiting to squeeze my forearms clean off of my elbow.

For the people laying next to the slithering prick- Not my idea of fun. Dead snake is just as frightening as a live snake. Cut off a snakes head, and its still writhing around probably capable of wiping out an entire suburb. There is now way I snuggle up next to a serpent and expect it not to spring back to life and swallow me whole. Just estimate how long it is, call it a record, put that thing in a furnace and send it back to hell.

 

 

Monstrous Crazy Ant Invasion

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Gawker: Monstrous “crazy ants” from Argentina and Brazil have invaded Texas and the American Southeast, driving out the already awful fire ant and making life even more miserable for those living in the South. 

Worse for southern humans, the crazy ant particularly enjoys getting inside electronics. The air conditioners, televisions and remote controls that make existence just barely feasible in the Deep South are particular targets of these South American menaces. When the insane ants are electrocuted inside these devices, an “alarm pheromone” is released—and that brings even more crazy ants into the electronics, to make even bigger nests.

“When you talk to folks who live in the invaded areas, they tell you they want their fire ants back,” said LeBrun. “Fire ants are in many ways very polite. They live in your yard. They form mounds and stay there, and they only interact with you if you step on their mound.”

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Ants fucking suck. Let me just get that out of the way. They do nothing for me. If you owned an ant farm as a kid, or at any point in your life, you were a freak. That said, an ant that “particularly enjoys getting inside electronics”, is the asshole of the ant population. Colossal asshole. I’ve never encountered a fire ant, but I’d much rather have a slew of them in my backyard than these IPhone fuckers. We’re talking about “alarm pheromones” here. Let me play my favorite song, Belinda Carlisle- Heaven is a Place on Earth. Wait, whats this? An army of monstrous ants are being summoned to my laptop to breed under my spacebar. Nightmare City, population: you and electrocuted ants. Don’t turn on your AC for too long, before you know it you’ll have a crazy ant orgy rattling inside the filter. Just getting electrocuted and boning all over creation. No fucking thanks, that shit is for the south.

Star Spangled Botch Job

This is the, “Oh shit”, look of someone who just forgot the words to the National Anthem, and is about to desperately try to save face:

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Alexis Normand everybody! I’m going to overlook the fact that this chick’s voice is pure garbage. As far as I’m concerned, she pretty much nailed this anthem in terms of faking the words. In scenarios like this you just got to mumble/hum your way through the rhythm. It’s like saying a prayer in church for those of us that go once a year. Singing the National Anthem101, Church101- same school, same subject, same classroom.

She skated through the first 20 seconds, no problem. And then she hit a crossroad. The long pause really blew her cover. If there’s one thing I know about faking the National Anthem, its no long pauses. You’ve got to keep the wheels on the wagon rolling at all costs. Just showing your true colors there Alexis, got to be better than silence. She fought back strong, though. After starting from scratch and repeating herself like a maniac, Lexi absolutely crushed “the bombs bursting in air.” And totally breezed through the finale, which is everyone’s favorite part. All in all, she maintained focus, never got flustered, and seemed to not really give a shit either way. The mark of a champion.

Miguel at the BBMA

Sweet jump loser. What exactly was the plan here? His ass barely made it onto the other side of the crowd, let alone stick the landing. Not even close. This the type of shit that you sort out during rehearsal. If he tried this jump 10 times, I’m confident he’d successfully land on his feet zero times. This was fucked from jump street. Sweet move after the fact too, snuggling up with the female Hagrid and a bunch of bro’s. Get lost Miguel.

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Man Wins Lotto Months After Purchasing Ticket

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Yahoo: A man facing foreclosure on his Geneva, Ill., house found a solution to his problem in the unlikeliest of places—the cookie jar.

Richard Cerezo was going through his old lottery tickets, which he kept in a cookie jar, the Chicago Tribune reports, and took them to the 7-Eleven to see if he had any winners. For one of them, it turned out, he needed to file a claim, which, according to Cerezo, meant the ticket was worth at least $600.

From the Chicago Tribune: “As each number kept matching, the smile kept going higher and higher. And when I realized we had all six numbers, it was that shocking moment of, ‘Whoa, can this really be?’” he said in a news conference on Wednesday. “Fast forward to the next day, Monday: Called in sick … went down into Chicago. It’s one of feelings where it’s okay if they fire me.” Cerezo spoke to lottery officials, who told him the ticket was worth $4.85 million. Cerezo told reporters that he purchased the ticket in February, which meant he’d been sitting on the fortune for months without realizing it.

 

 

Son of a fuck. What kind of diabolical lunatic buys lotto tickets and doesn’t check to see if they’re winners until 3 1/2 months later? Furthermore, what grown man keeps a cookie jar? Ill tell you who, the same bonehead that collects upwards of 10 lottery tickets at a time as a fucking hobby. “Yea ya know,  I almost forgot about my cookie jar full of lotto treasure because it was blocked by my piggy bank and my Aladdin coloring book.” Christ. Good news is, he’s got almost 5 mil now so he can just sit home and bake cookies until he turns blue.

Knicks Win Game 5

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The stats: Basically even on the boards- only out rebounded by 3. Knicks turned them over 19 times compared to our 10 which was HUGE because they shot twice as many free throws as us. Luckily they only shot 57% and we were money, hitting 14/17.

Finally Copeland was back in the rotation. Never imagined I’d say that, but who gives a shit. Not sure why we haven’t seen much of him but he was absolutely crucial to our offensive success last night. He shot with confidence, which this team desperately needed. JR also played well. Hit his first 3 pointer which definitely took a huge weight off his shoulders. Melo was Melo- he missed a couple easy looks but stepped up in the 4th and closed. And Jason Kidd was this close to making a wide open layup.

This series is going 7 with Copeland playing the role of X factor- hitting shots and forcing Indiana to stretch their defense. In turn, this will relieve JR of feeling the need to force offense. That’s what got us here in the first place- spreading shooters around the arc, and taking what the defense gives us. I refuse to believe we lose 5 times at Indiana this season. Game 7 at MSG. We’re fucking due.

Pit Boss

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Briefly: Pit Boss is a show about a guy who goes by the name of “Shorty” that owns a pitbull rescue in LA. He is a little person, and his 3 employees are also little people. If you didn’t know they prefer to be called “little people” and not “midgets.” Anyway, this guy Shorty is a real hard ass, always smoking cigars and generally, being a dick to everyone.

This show is hilarious because pitbulls are 100% the most athletic dog in the world. I say that having done zero research. Its just common knowledge. And little people are the slowest animal in the world. Thats not me taking a shot at little folks either, its just a fact. The list goes 1) Tortoise 1a) Midgets. I mean, little people. The contrast between the two makes for great tv. If a dog ever escapes or gets a little too wild, the show really gets good. Between the little people bickering with Shorty, and the pitbulls running a muck, this show never fails. There has been 6 seasons of this show. I’ve seen about 4 episodes total, but I’m willing to stand by this program.

Do yourself a favor and check out these clips. You won’t regret it.

DOMINICO!!!!!!

Shorty is a wuss!

You can’t take anyone serious when they’re wearing fucking spock ears