Monthly Archives: May 2013

Jaden Smith Making a Play for Douche of the Year


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NYDN: Jaden Smith, 14, stepped out on what appeared to be a group date with gal pal Kylie Jenner, 15, donning a red and gold “Iron Man” suit Wednesday in New York City. The foursome shopped in Times Square and then dined out at Japanese restaurant Nobu 57. Jenner and the other friends were not even close to being dressed in anything resembling a costume.

Apparently, these two are dating. Who gives a shit. What kind of asshole wears a halloween costume to hang out? Outside of the slugs that troll Times Square, the answer is nobody. What’s your angle? He kind of looks like the little brother that you have to escort around so he can trick-or-treat. When all you really want to do is drink vodka out of a water bottle, smoke weed, and egg houses with your friends. But you cant because you have to babysit the moron with the mask. He is literally trying his hardest to get in the mix with the cool kids. I’m surprised Kylie didn’t terminate his deadass on site. Not to mention it was the hottest fucking day of the year. Sweet stunt, ironman. Can’t believe big Willy style let his seed go out like a lead balloon. Disgrace.

 

PS- Sex tape in 2017. Book it.

Bynes Sanity

** STRICTLY NO NY DAILIES**Amanda Bynes appears in court in NYC charged with allegedly throwing a bong from her apartment window

NYPost: Neighbors in Amanda Bynes’ apartment building describe living with the wigged-out starlet as “like living with Linda Blair in ‘The Exorcist.’ ” One told us, “She stares you out in the elevator. Residents are terrified to be alone with her. She knocked on one woman’s door, and when it opened, she screamed ‘You’re ugly,’ and ran away. Amanda always seems to be alone, muttering to herself and looking completely out of it.” The resident said management as well as neighbors in Bynes’ West 47th Street building are fed up with her antics in the lobby, elevators and public corridors. The source added, “The day before her arrest, she arrived in a cab and ran upstairs, leaving the driver shrieking that she owed him $150. She left her cellphone in the cab. The good news is, she hasn’t been seen in the building since her arrest.” 

Going to make this as brief as possible, as it doesn’t need much discussion, but needs to be addressed all the same. I haven’t been following this meltdown too closely but anyone who is anyone knows Bynes has completely gone Linda Blair on us. Perfect description by ‘the neighbor’. Albeit, Amanda’s ding-dong-ditch “you’re ugly” prank is top shelf. Everything else with this broad seems straight off the pages of a horror story. Staring kids down in the elevator, muttering to herself on the reg., I wouldn’t want to be alone with this sicko either. She’s 1000% blowing Charlie Sheen right out of the water. All his “tiger blood”, “epic pornstar orgies”, and “winning” rants seem like absolute childs play. Bynes is in a league of her own at this point. I mean what kind of psychopath throws a perfectly good bong out the window? A Linda Blair kind, that’s who.

Are Toothpicks The Most Underrated Item of All Time?

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Let me begin by saying I went through an 800 count box on Memorial Day weekend alone. So there’s that. The novelty of the toothpick is so powerful, people just can’t resist taking one when offered. Probably because a toothpick makes everyone feel like a fucking boss. That’s gotta be it.

Think about it- you see someone with a toothpick and you’ll immediately peg them to be a colossal douchebag. But in reality, you secretly know that having a toothpick of your own would be awesome. Subconsciously, you’re so jealous of the person with a toothpick that you’ve resorted to hating on them out of spite. Grow up. Anytime you’ve got a toothpick hanging out of the side of your grill its an immediate transformation into cool. It’s science.

In fact, I have a harder time coming up with reasons not to have a couple toothpicks handy. Especially during the summertime. Don’t really know how I ever lived without one before this past weekend. Piece of food stuck in your teeth? Toothpick. Want to stab a burger off the grill? Toothpick. Stick one in between some boobs? TitPick. Want to jazz up some slices of hero? Toothpick those bitches. “Whats up smoking hot babe at the bar, want a toothpick?”- “Oh my god, Yes!” That last one may not work 100% of the time, but 60% of the time… it works every time.

Also, it is the ultimate trademark of any badass. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a human being alive that got picked on while rocking a toothpick. Tough guy city. Confidenceville, USA. I’m talking about an elite crew:

Razor Ramon of the WWF

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Sylvester Stallone in Cobra

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Ryan Gosling in Drive

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MLB coach Dusty Baker

Kansas City Royals v Cincinnati Reds

Diddy

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This Guy

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That lineup is fucking STACKED. Talent for days. Bravado for weeks. Everybody looks tough as nails and its all about the toothpick. And the more people around you with a toothpick, the more likely you are to want one. Its almost cult-like. The power of the toothpick is so strong it’s not even fair.

And they have mint ones too? What’s not to love. Really can’t understand how they’re not flying off the shelves.

PS

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Case closed.

Dude Gets Blackout Drunk, Ends Up In Neighbors Dryer.


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Cincinnati.com: A 39-year-old Linwood man pleaded no contest Wednesday to streaking naked and drunk through his yard and then hiding in his neighbor’s dryer. Shaun Welsh was arrested just before 1 a.m. on a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct while intoxicated at 3749 Hutton St., Hamilton County court records show. According to Cincinnati police, Welsh was “very intoxicated” at the time of his arrest.


Well at least they confirmed he was “very intoxicated.” I was on the fence about that. Now, since that’s out of the way… 39? Really, bro? I’m assuming you’re not homeless because you have neighbors. Therefore, there is no excuse to be sloshed and naked in someones dryer. What a rookie move going in the dryer too. Got to go washing machine, if anything. Put that shit on heavy duty perm press and swan dive. Everybody knows the best thing to do when you’re so fucking drunk that you’re running around in the nude is to hit the showers. Blackout101. Personally, I end up in the shower 9/10 when I’m shitbag wastoid drunk. The other 1/10 is when I pass out en route to the bathroom. It’s just natural. Got to get your brain back ASAP, and the only way is with the life-giving element of h20. The absolute last place to be is somewhere scolding hot. Can you imagine sticking your head in a dryer after 10 beers, 6 tequila shots, and an LIT? I just vomited.

PS- Sweet ginger beard-helmet Shaun. Get a grip, you’re almost 40.

This is How You Do a Wedding Photo

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DailyMail: Getting married can be a daunting prospect, but this bride has a good reason to look terrified.. she is being chased by a menacing T-Rex. The amusing photo is the creation of Quinn Miller, 22, who digitally added the giant dinosaur chasing the entire wedding party out of the ceremony. Mr Miller took the shot at the wedding of Katie Young, 23, and James Lowder, 21, from Louisiana at The Myrtles Plantation on Sunday.

I’m just going to ignore the fact that some 21 year old idiot got married. Because this couple just won wedding party pictures. I’d share some insight as to what I did for photos when I was in wedding parties but I was so blackout wasted I can’t recall. I just hope these losers from yesterday take notes, get divorced, and then get remarried so that they can do it right. Total opposite ends of the spectrum this week in weddings. Weddings, fucking love ’em.

CUE THE VIDEO:

 

Hypothetical: Silk Dick vs. Velour Cock. Who Ya Got?

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OR

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A hypothetical debate as old as time. Would you rather have a dick made of silk, or velour? I posed this question to a group who’d been drinking heavily for approximately 3 days and it was almost a unanimous vote. However, taking into account the fact that nobody could even form a sentence, its worth revisiting. Both have something to offer so let’s take a closer look at the structure of these mythical cocks.

First off, velour will shrink when dried. Ive never owned anything velour because I wasn’t raised by douchebags, but I have done the research. Huge factor. Cannot overstate the potential dick death sentence of permanently shrinking your hammer. Just total devastation in the crotchal region for the rest of your days. That means a lifetime of hang drying after showers. Certainly not the worst thing in the world. But if you forget and take a towel to your nuts…boom, goodbye dick.

Silk, on the other hand, needs to be hand washed. Delicate dick. That means no quick scrub and out of the shower if you plan on even having any dick to speak of. A time consuming process at best, and the upkeep could cost a small fortune (there’s a pun there). I also read on Yahoo! Answers, “Many inexpensive and poorly woven silks may fade, become stiff, change texture or lose their sheen when hand washed.” Jesus Christ. If there is one thing I don’t want, it’s for my dick to lose its fucking sheen 5 years into my prime. Or to have a 24/7 raging stiffy? Yikes. The solution here would be to splurge on the finest silk and pray it doesn’t turn into a dingy, broken down artifact until you’re at least 65.

Id be willing to bet 90% of chicks would prefer old silk dick over velour. The other 10% being sickos, convicts and/or Staten Island sloots. Silk is such a rare item I don’t even remember the last time I saw it, let alone stroked it. So the mystery and intrigue is definitely there for the ladies.

Thus, my answer: Silk. Spend some extra cash. Ball out sultan style and have the most luxurious, flawlessly woven, sheened-out, hand-washed hammer in all the land.

World’s Worst Bridal Party Falls into Lake

Gawker: A bride and groom in Georgia thought they had avoided being soaked by an expected rainfall that never materialized, but wound up getting wet anyway when their entire bridal party — 29 bridesmaids and groomsmen in all — fell into Lake Lanier after the dock they were taking photos on collapsed. “It seemed magical that the rain held off,” Patricia Fearon (née Matthew) told Good Morning America.

“It didn’t matter because we all got dumped in the lake anyways.”Though one bridesmaid did break a few bones and other party members suffered minor bruising, the wedding was far from ruined.”No one complained even though a lot of iPhones were damaged,” said groom Frank Fearon. “All of them laughed it off, went and got toweled off and danced the night away.”


Listen- Im no wedding expert, but 29 people is a ludicrous amount of bridesmaids/groomsmen. People in the bridal party are supposed to feel like they’re on an all-star team. It is essentially your coolest friends compiled into one team, separate from all the other slugs you associate with. A badge of honor, if you will. Bragging rights for life, or at least until the divorce.

Like voting for the all-star game- Everybody can’t make it into the bridal party, you have to make cuts. Sure, they’re all valid candidates, but you can’t dilute the pool by selecting anyone other than the absolute studs. You have to be cold blooded and heartless. Otherwise, you end up with 29 fucking people taking photos on a floating dock. Turn the page, you’re all swimming in Lake Lanier because Frank and Patricia Fearon are too damn soft to have a normal sized bridal party.

PS- The only thing worse than a football sized bridal party is a wedding with a cash bar. Open bar or cancel the wedding altogether.

PPS- Love weddings. Somebody get married and invite me.