Monthly Archives: April 2013

Salmoning is an Epidemic

SAlmon

Gothamist: The DOT has sent out a team of workers in reflective jackets to hold signs along heavily-trafficked bike corridors in an attempt to get cyclists to follow the rules. The new “Street Safety Managers” are all current DOT employees who have been rotated away from their usual tasks in the name of safety. Because clearly the most urgent threat to safety on NYC streets is the bicycle.

Eight Street Safety Managers (or SSMs, if you prefer) will be assigned to different locations in Manhattan weekdays during the morning and afternoon rush hours from April through October. They don’t have any enforcement power beyond throwing shade, but they do have hand-held signs saying “STOP/Wrong Way” to discourage “salmoning.” 

 

 

Salmoning – Going against traffic. Bike riding in NYC is extreme. If you think the guy with the neon jacket who is merely waiting for his next cigarette break is going to quell the rampant salmoning, you’re living in a fantasy world. Salmons are going to salmon, bottom line. I don’t bike ride in NYC. But if I did you bet your ass I’d salmon. And when I salmon, its no holds barred. These crossing guards holding the signs are not even in my league. Im trying to get from A to B. If I have to weave in and out of these casual bike riders and salmon in their face then thats exactly what I’ll do. They dont have any enforcement power. But they do have hand-held signs” Good luck with that fucking sign when I blow by you riding with no hands and give you double middle fingers. As far as I’m concerned, you can take those signs for an extended walk and get out of my lane. Only the bravest of the brave are in the business of salmoning, and unless you’re willing to spear a salmon off their bike you might as well stay home.

PS- The double middle finger is reserved for only the most dire of situations. I.E: Dj at the bar refuses to play “Juvenile- Back that ass up”. Double middle finger in his grill and walk out.

Duck Dynasty Reigns Supreme

DDynasty

Nypost: All hail “Duck Dynasty,” the new king of prime time. The comedy reality show — which ended its third season Wednesday night — drew a jaw-dropping 9.6 million viewers for its final episode. In TV’s demographic sweet spot — 18-40 years old — it beat “American Idol” and “Survivor.” “Duck Dynasty” stars Willie and Korie Robertson are set to go to tomorrow night’s White House Correspondents Dinner — one of the major social events of the year in Washington, DC — as guests of CBN News.

 

HEY! WE DID IT!  What an honor! All those PROGRAM ALERTS paid off. Fuck you survivor! Fuck you idol! Seriously, fuck American idol. Wont ever watch that garbage. Duck Dynasty is at the top of its game right now, Jack. A little disappointed the NY Post failed to mention my honorary “U-CREW” member Uncle Si, but what can you expect from a glorified tabloid. Season 4 already in the works. If you’re not on the DD bandwagon you’re just delaying the inevitable. The Robertson family is the redneck Brady Bunch of the new millennium, except they’re awesome and don’t have a dyke house keeper. If I didn’t sell you on it by now, you don’t have a pulse.

For the record, my final grade on the season finale was an A. Willie took the entire family to Hawaii, and nobody followed his itinerary – rightfully so. Schedules are for the birds if you’re on vacation. Loaded with clips of Uncle Si and he stole the show per usual. “HEY you got teddy (ruxpin) doing drugs with Paddington.” “HEY he’s lost his mind. I aint no prairie dog!” My U-Crew is so hot right now. Sizzling hot.

Nascar’s Juan Pablo Montoya Being Sponsored by Depends

depends

Depends- The diaper for adults. I’m going to say something here…

When you go out on a Saturday night, Sunday is inevitably going to be hell. Hangover, cotton mouth, headache, the shakes, yada yada yada. Just awful. An often overlooked hassle on these Sundays is getting up to use the bathroom. You’re so damn exhausted, for reasons beyond me, that it is an absolute chore to walk your ass 10 feet to the toilet. Especially if you’re at somebody else’s house. I mean, you finally get up and walk all the way to the bathroom only to find out somebody is in there. And you’re not going to knock because it isn’t your house and thats fucking absurd to knock at someone else’s house.

That is why, every Saturday night before I lay my sweet head to rest and just after I nearly burn down the house heating up some pizza, I strap on my Depends. Depends Sundays! Brilliant, I know. Feeling to woozy to get vertical and walk? No problem, just release the valve and let loose! Finally find a good place on the couch but your dick feels like it is about to explode because you’ve been holding it in since you crawled out of your casket? Have no fear, just piss where you lay- the Depends way! Or maybe you’re in your friends basement, an excruciatingly painful distance from the bathroom upstairs. You want to risk going all that way to find out the BR is occupied? Hell no you dont- Good thing you strapped up the night before! ::ksssssss::

Listen, you may find this to be gross but sometimes the truth is gross- or something along those lines. My point is, you know I’m right. Depends is a brand I can get behind. Ill get behind it, in front of it, on the side of it, caddy corner from it- the whole shibang. Just remember the next time you’re dreading getting your drunk ass up how much easier it’d be if you’d just embrace Depends Sundays.

Creeps on a Plane!

Gawker: In an effort to promote the launch of its ultra-cheap Los Angeles to Las Vegas route, Virgin introduced a new “Seat-to-Seat Delivery” option that allows passengers to hit on other passengers by sending them unsolicited drinks, meals, and snacks through the in-flight entertainment system.

The purpose of this feature, according to airline president Sir Richard Branson, is to help Virgin travelers “get lucky.”

“I’m not a betting man, but I’d say your chance of deplaning with a plus-one are at least 50%,” Branson says in a video explaining how the function works.

 

I’ve had it with these mother fucking creeps, on this mother fucking plane! Im not mad at this idea. Not one bit. I mean, I’m sure I’d be blackout drunk by the time we landed from all the free gifts I’d receive but this isn’t about me. Ladies, you have nowhere to run. No where to hide. Creeping has reached an all-time high. And what better way to launch a “get lucky and maybe have sex with a 6 that you got drunk on a plane” ad campaign, than on an “ultra cheap flight” to Sin City.

You know the saying, “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” Well, this is a quick way to get a head start on the babes who are really about that life. Oh, you’re on a quick flight to Vegas? I’ll bet the rent that you’re trying to get fuUUuuuUcked up. Before she’s even off the plane you’ve planted a seed, provided her with a solid buzz, and now- she’s in Vegas baby! On paper, its flawless. Got to absolutely bring the fire in that “seat to seat” chat option though. The execution there is crucial. I’m thinking, “we could stop the universe with our heart beats tonight” basically seals the deal. All things aside, “Deplaning with a plus-one are at least 50%” is a stretch, unless you own Virgin Airlines. Despite being on the air shuttle to Vegas, chances are she either: A) Declines the drink B) Drinks the drink C) Drinks it and vomits. But in almost every scenario, she gets off the plane and never looks back. Keyword(s): ALMOST every scenario. So I’m saying there’s a chance…

Who is the Jets Best Player? Uhhhh…

jetsgirls

SVP & Russillo had a segment yesterday afternoon; choosing the best player from each team selecting 1-10 in the draft.

Horrifying thought when you get to the Jets.

Even the Teams with picks 1-3 (Chiefs, Jags, Raiders) have a notable RB (Charles, Jones-Drew, McFadden). The jets? Ughhh. Dbrickashaw? Mangold? Or I guess David Harris? Point being- whoever the Jets select #9 in this draft better be ready to be the best player on the team. #13 too for that matter.

This is a huge draft. So many needs. It’s been a while since the jets had a legitimate playmaker on offense and I’m hoping that is something they address – possibly reaching for Tavon Austin with pick 13. With a weak qb class, why not grab offensive weapons to actually give Sanchez an opportunity before we go all Teddy Bridgewater in ’14. Because in his defense, since he’s been on the team he hasn’t had any playmakers. So #9 & #13 (assuming we don’t trade out of position), as far as talent is concerned, will be our best players – Hooray for officially being in Rebuilding mode!

1.50 A Day Challenge

LiveBelowTheLine.com: Live Below the Line is an innovative awareness and fundraising campaign that’s making a huge difference in the fight against extreme poverty.
 
Quite simply, we’re building a movement of passionate people willing and able to make a meaningful difference to those who need it most.
 
Live Below the Line is challenging individuals and communities to see how much change you can make out of $1.50. By living off just $1.50 per day for food for 5 days, you will be bringing to life the direct experiences of the 1.4 billion people currently living in extreme poverty and helping to make real change.
 
Think about that figure – 1.4 BILLION – that’s over 4 times the population of the United States – living every day in extreme poverty.
 

 

I believe they are relying solely on donations to raise money, and the whole living under $1.50/day (U.S equivalent of the extreme poverty line) is just for the experience. Great cause. Seems highly unreasonable though. Back in 2000, 40 cents used to get me one of those brownies with the walnuts in it on the snack line. A personal favorite. Under this plan i could have one for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and still have 30 cents to fuck around with. Now, 40 cents doesn’t even exist.

Truth be told- I’ve already completed this challenge. Save the applause. I basically spent two years of my life living in extreme poverty at 611 myrtle avenue in Albany. Extreme fucking poverty.  $1.50 a day was a blessing. And even, now thinking on it, I could do it again. Not out of necessity though – because I live with my mom and she cooks for me. Living below one cent a day!

All jokes aside, I would definitely try to do this. Not because its trendy but because it is a great cause. It really hits home for me. Having lived that life in the cold streets of Albany, I know how difficult it is to get by. It really is outrageous to think you can get by on $1.50 in this economy though. I seriously don’t know anything that’s $1 besides the tall cans of Arizona. Or 4 blow pops. That price never changes. 25 cent life. Thug life.

For more: LiveBelowTheLine.com

Knicks Dominate Game 2

Boston Celtics v New York Knicks - Game Two

Raymond Felton & Kenyon Martin. Carmelo and Jr did what they are expected to do. Raymond Felton had an incredible all-around game and Kenyon brought the toughness this team desperately needed.

Felton logged 37 min and ZERO turnovers. He was efficient from the field with 16 solid points. When he was on Paul Pierce – he was in his jersey. IMO he had his best game of the year in a game we needed to have. Make no mistake about it, we absolutely needed to put our foot on the celtics neck last night. Without a real stud point guard ahead of us in the East, consistency from Felton in this fashion will bring us to the next level.

Kenyon, on the other hand, absolutely brought it. His presence in the paint was HUGE. Can’t understate the factor he’s been in terms of toughness, grit, and attitude. If you come into the paint, you’d better finish your breakfast. Come strong or stay the fuck out of his lane! Tyson brings the same intangibles but having another guy do it reverberates through the entire team. It’s those factors that can’t be measured in numbers that will take this team where they want to be. UP 2-0! As Breen said last night – more wins in the last 4 days than in the previous 12 years!

Coachella

Coachella took play recently and I have no idea what coachella is. I assumed it was one of those circus’s where hipsters are playing the bongos, hoola-hooping and doing wippets until they turn blue. I imagined a ton of airheads floating around with all types of jazzy flair on like ridiculous beads, bandanas, and wannabe guitarists. And then I saw this sketch on Jimmy Kimmel and I knew for sure. Pretty funny stuff. Unless you were actually there, and then it’d be a fucking nightmare.