Monthly Archives: April 2013

Tennessee Inmates Crushing the Incarceration Game

“A highlight reel of audacity.” Of course they’re begging to get caught by flaunting their pictures and videos all over Facebook. Of course publicly displaying their cellphone numbers isn’t the smartest idea. I just think they don’t care. The backlash from this will come at the expense of one Tony Parker. The one in charge of security at the Tennessee prisons. Hey pal, dudes are taking selfies on your watch. One guy had an iPhone5. Another bro said he, “is definitely a thousand”. If I know anything about prison security its that you can’t have inmates definitely getting a thousand. Warden 101. Just can’t have it if you expect to keep your job.

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That’s a college dorm room. A decent college dorm room at that. Borderline country club. And Martez Wright is like the Mark Zuckerberg of the whole Tennessee penal system. Posting a shit ton of videos. Smoking on that loud. Satisfying his munchies with ‘scrumptious items that he gets. That he eat on a daily.’ No kidding. Feasts fit for a social media mogul. I counted about 4 different flavors of chips and close to 68 honey buns. You name it and Martez Wright has probably done it and definitely posted about it.

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Editors Note: Smoking on that STUPID LOUD.

Can not wait for the sequel. It needs to be televised. If they get Martez Wright on the phone during that interview I might lose it. Better yet, I just hope they can get in touch with this guy:
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This is my guy. Double middle fingers. Perfect situation for DMF’s. Shades on to conceal the identity. Butterfinger in the mouth. Moon Lodge chips- never even heard of those things before. Hot sauce- just in case. And even some nice curtains in the background to really tie the room together. Living the dream. Got to know his story.

Woman Finds Dead Toad in Green Beans- Awarded $50

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Gawker: Last month, Gloria Chubb prepared one of her standard dinners: meatloaf, mashed potatoes, gravy, and green beans from the can. “My son put some on his plate and said, ‘What is that?’” Chubb told CBS News. “I thought maybe it was a piece of moldy bacon or something. Because they have bacon in them sometimes.” 

She picked the mystery chunk from the bowl to inspect it. “I took it out, and it was a toad,” she said, laughing, “with parts of his little legs in the green beans.” Meijer, the company that produced the can, gave Chubb a check for $50 and a letter of apology. The company also issued a statement: “We sincerely regret this customer’s experience, and we are in the process of investigating the incident.” 

“Chubb thinks the company should do more to protect their customers. “I think they should come up with a better way of inspecting and canning vegetables,” she said. “I mean anything can happen you know but a whole frog?””

 

 

Oh don’t mind that moldy bacon, it happens. Gimme a break Chubbs.  For starters, if you’re frequently finding moldy bacon chunks in your greens it’s time to find a new brand. I don’t know what type of operation Gloria Chubb is running over there in Indiana but moldy bacon will not fly in my household.

Now. $50 and a half-assed apology? Chubb got hosed! I’m asking for 4 figures minimum. A lifetime ban of the product as well. Nothing short of $1000 will compensate for a dead toad in my food. Period.

Have to agree that coming up with a better way of inspecting the greens is good advice. A good start might be to leave the amphibians on the conveyor belt. Figuring out how to not have moldy bacon mixed in with the greens would also be good. Meijer has to be run by a pack of savages.

 

 

Camouflage Cats are Horrifying

Was never a fan of cats. And when I say “cats” that does not include big cats. Gun to my head I’m probably taking lions in the “worlds best animal” draft. Got a thing for lions actually. In this context, Im referring solely to domestic cats.

Satan’s own. Untrustworthy. Deviant. Ungrateful. Pretentious bitches. Just a few words that come to mind. The only thing worse than being around a cat is being around a cat that you can’t even see. Cute as these pictures may seem- they’re actually straight off the pages of a horror story.

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1) The one in front of the fire place is a nightmare.
2) The ones mixed in with the stuffed animals are absolutely terrifying.
3) The ones with cheetah spots look cool until you remember these are fucking cats and they are no longer cool.
4) I like the one in the sink. But thats the most dangerous of all. It will 100% claw your hair out.

Japan’s Last Ninja? You Fuckin Wish.

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Gawker: Masters in the dark arts of espionage and silent assassination, they are rarely seen and never heard… until they strike. Employed by samurai warlords to spy, sabotage and kill, they are relics of an ancient code that have all but died out in the modern age. All but one. As the 21st head of the Ban clan, a dynasty of secret spies that can trace its history back some 500 years, 63-year-old engineer Jinichi Kawakami is Japan’s last ninja. He is trained to hear a needle drop in the next room, to disappear in a cloud of smoke or to cut a victim’s throat from 20 paces with nothing more than a two-inch ‘death star’.

‘I think I’m called (the last ninja) as there is probably no other person who learned all the skills that were directly handed down from ninja masters over the last five centuries,’ he said. ‘Ninjas proper no longer exist.’

But Kawakami has decided to let the art die with him because ninjas ‘just don’t fit with modern day’, adding: ‘We can’t try out murder or poisons. Even if we can follow the instructions to make a poison, we can’t try it out.

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I’m a ninja and I hold all the deep secrets of ninja assassins dating back to feudal Japan! And I’m taking it all to the grave! Grow up. Ninjas aren’t real. They’re like genies. And this guy’s act sucks if you ask me. Doesn’t even sound like he knows anything at all. Can disappear in a cloud of smoke’? You think that qualifies you to become Japan’s last ninja? Ill drop a pack of smoke bombs on the ground and you won’t see me until next Saturday.

We can’t try out murder or poisons. Even if we can follow the instructions to make a poison, we can’t try it out.’  What the hell is going on? Ninjas are supposed to be quiet, swift with a sword, and fast as shit. This guy is talking about vanishing behind a smoke screen, and making potions. Is this Harry Potter’s 3rd semester at Hogwart’s or the world’s last ninja who holds 500 years of secrets? I’m not buying it.

Can “cut a victim’s throat from 20 paces with nothing more than a two-inch ‘death star’.” 20 fucking paces, huh?

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Yeah right. He doesn’t even know how to old a fucking dagger. Sweet grip. I’d bury his dead ass from 60 paces. Also, I haven’t brushed up on 500 years worth of ninja instructions but I’m positive ninjas never wear pinky rings. Talk about amateur hour. You’re making the Ban Clan look like shit.

Jason Collins. Gay. And Still Ballin’.

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So Jason Collins is gay. The first active player in major team sport to come out. Yes, you heard right. Jason Collins is an ACTIVE player on an NBA roster. I’m not kidding when I say the most stunning part of this story is how he is actually still in the league. I feel like he retired ages ago. Apparently, he was only drafted in 2001. I thought he retired in 2001. Considering he’s averaged 3.6 points and 3.8 rebounds for his career, he basically did retire in 2001. Just an absolute snake for being able to stretch that into a 12 year career. A true chameleon. As for the whole being gay thing, it seems like he’s getting a ton of new twitter followers and thats really all the matters any more. So congrats.

Mario Balotelli Being Mario Balotelli

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Marca: Another shocking statement from the ever-controversial but always different, Mario Balotelli. The Milan striker is so confident that Real Madrid will not rise to the challenge against Borussia Dortmund, that he has put his girlfriend – the beautiful Fanny Neguesha – forward as the prize in this strange, risky bet: “If Real Madrid comes back against Borussia Dortmund and make it to the final of the Champions League, I will let my girlfriend sleep with all the players”.

Brass fucking balls. Granted, Real Madrid would have to make up 3 goals in this match on Tuesday in order to make it to the final. Unlikely, but still no guarantee. Certainly not confident enough to pull the ole, “The entire roster can bang my girlfriend” if I’m wrong. Personally, if I’m betting my girlfriend it has to be something I have no chance of losing. The sky is blue type of shit. But thats just because I’m a mere mortal pussy, and Mario Balotelli isn’t. There’s a special type of crazy that feels betting an absurd amount of money just isn’t enough to display his confidence. Hey Mario, if you’re so confident why not put $5 million on the game? No Kyle, that isn’t enough- I will put my girlfriends vagina on the line instead. Absolutely fearless. Have to wonder how Fanny feels about this wager…

This Cockatoo Can GROOVE

1) I’d hate to have a pet bird.

2) Unless he could two-step on my shoulder.

Didn’t miss a fucking beat. I believe if you show up at a music festival with this bro pop-lock and dropping it on your neck, you’ll make at least a trillion new friends.

Serious rhythm. Sizzling hot right now. Sizzling hot always.

Miss BumBum- “Ronaldo is Obsessed with my Ass”

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NYDN: Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo cheated on supermodel girlfriend Irina Shayk with “Miss BumBum,” according to an explosive report.

Andressa Urach, the 27-year-old Miss Butt Brazil runner-up better known as Miss BumBum, said the Real Madrid star bedded her because “he was obsessed with my butt,” according to The Sun.

The two finally took their online chatter face-to-face April 22 and Urach said: “It was incredible, his body’s perfect, like a Greek god. He went on for hours and would not stop talking about my butt.”

While Ronaldo’s reps have yet to comment on this story he tweeted that the claims are false. “I was informed that The Sun, faithful to its editorial line, will publish an article where is given voice to a so called Andressa,” he wrote, “someone seeking the limelight on my account. And I wonder why this happens one day before a very important game for my team.”

Uhhh “According to an explosive report.” Yea right. This 100% happened- and it doesn’t qualify as explosive. Is anyone surprised? I assumed this was par for the course with soccer stars. OH, he was obsessed with your ass? Who would’ve thought!? You were only runner-up in the best ass contest.. in the country with arguably the best asses in the world. Damn, sluts! Take it on the chin and take a hike, babe.