Category Archives: Sports

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The Mets Don’t Have Any 1pm Saturday Home Games This Season?

The Sun is out in New York. The weather was nice enough yesterday that I was able to play some hoops (Horse for 60 minutes) at the local park for the first time this year in nothing but my favorite speedo and my Air Jordan 6s. That can only mean one thing- baseball season is officially right around the corner.

Naturally, the first course of action is to map out which Saturday afternoon Mets games I would like to attend, with the sole purpose of getting black-out drunk before the 6th (pitch). Everyone knows the best Mets games are the day game because you can soak up all of the rays, drink all the beer and enjoy a little bit of America’s past time… before retreating to McFadden’s to soak up all of the Jameson, drink all the beer and enjoy a little bit of America’s past time.

So, the question is- Which 1pm Saturday games will we be attending?

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The answer- None! Because there aren’t any! And it’s ruining my entire life! It’s ruining my friends’ lives! It’s ruining my nieces and nephews lives! It’s ruining the lives of all the mechanics at the nearby chop shops who won’t get to ogle at the wasted chicks stumbling over their tire irons and mufflers before noon!

In total, the Mets will only be playing two afternoon home games this season and both start at 4pm. Those late afternoon games are still better than nothing, but they don’t come close to the thrill that is a 1pm game.

Even when the Mets are on the cusp of an awesome season they find a way to crush my spirit by offering zero Saturday 1pm games. I don’t know what I plan on doing about this just yet, but I won’t rule out crying/bitching about it while quietly voicing my displeasure on a website that no one will ever see.

Quick List Of Things That Are Better Than 1pm Saturday Baseball Games:

  1. All the money in the world
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A List Of The Knicks’ Starting PG’s Over The Last 20 Years

Believe it or not the New York Knicks actually had some solid point guard play when I was in elementary school- guys like Charlie Ward, Derek Harper and Chris Childs inspiring a younger me to chase his hoop dreams/dunk on the hoop in my room until I was blue in the face. Life was good.

That was 20 years ago. I haven’t experienced anything like that since, except for the fact that I still dunk on the hoop in my room but it’s not out of joy & hope, it’s out of depression as I seek approval from a handful of strangers on a social media app.

Since the glorious mid-90s, starting point guards for the Knicks include, but are not limited to: Howard Eisley, an over-the-hill Steve Francis, Mardy Collins, SERGIO RODRIGUEZ, a dude named Alexey, Shitface McAirballs and of course, Jose Calderon.

I knew it had been a long time since we had some quality point guard play at The Garden but not even I was prepared for this disturbing realization. By the time I had gotten to Sasha Vujacic at the bottom of this chart I was writhing on the ground in a pool of my own sweat, vomit and tears.

As they say, “The scariest horror stories are the ones that are real and the ones that feature a revolting point guard lineage.”

The tale of the Knicks point guards over the last two decades checks both boxes.

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I Approve Of Tim Legler’s Solution To Tanking In The NBA

Tim Legler presented any idea today on Russillo & Kanell that would take away the incentive for NBA teams to intentionally lose in hopes of landing the #1 pick in the draft. It’s probably an idea that has been kicked around before, but I am all the way in on it.

In short: The 14 teams that don’t make the playoffs would be seeded 1-14 in a one game elimination tournament with the ultimate prize being the #1 pick in the NBA Draft. Each of the 7 losing teams from the first round would then be entered into a raffle, in which an octopus would select one franchise that has to relinquish their social media duties to Magic Johnson for the following season. The possibility of losing hundreds of thousands of followers with a couple of braindead tweets from Magic could be enough to scare these teams straight. I just went a little off the rails there but it’s something Adam Silver might want to consider.

For this idea to work, the league would have to take about a 10-day break from the end of the regular season until the start of the (real) playoffs, which is when the Draft Tournament would take place. Not ideal to have a 10 day layoff, but people would 100% watch these games- especially if their shitbag organization actually has a chance to land the #1 pick.

Of course, you’d run into some issues with teams that don’t even own the rights to their draft picks (IE: Knicks & Nets) so they wouldn’t give a shit either way. Some teams just suck because they suck, not because they’re trying to achieve some genius master plan like the almighty Sixers.

Still, this system works because it completely removes the desire to lose and promotes competitiveness among the worthless bottom feeders. Simply put, rewarding teams with a top pick because they’ve played like the Mud Dogs for 82 games isn’t American and it’s time for a change.

Vote Legler 2020.

 

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An Update On The Horniest Coaching Staff In NBA History

When Derek Fisher couldn't keep his wiener in his pants (and because he was totally incompetent as a head coach) the Knicks gave him the boot and promoted Kurt Rambis from assistant to HC.

And just 3 games (1-2 for those scoring at home) into his, hopefully brief, role as ringleader of the Knicks, ya boy Kurt has been outed as a dick-swinging horndog who simply can’t resist a good girl-on-girl masturbation photo and a daily dose of the greatest butts on twitter.

This is all well and fine if you’re a 27 year old commissioner of a fantasy football league, but when you’re in charge of turning around a supremely disappointing season and convincing a fanbase, that has hitched its wagons to a 7’3 Godsend from Latvia, that you’re the man for the job- this isn’t what we had in mind.

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Of course, Rambis and the organization are going with the ‘He was hacked’ approach but it doesn’t even matter (Might be the most bizarre twitter hack of all time, tbh). This is all par for the course when you’re talking about the league’s greatest circus act.

Now, do I really believe Rambass was really perusing twitter looking to publicly show his support for some softcore Asian persuasion? No, I do not. But when the former head coach was trying to bang every girl/wife/ex-wife in sight, it’s only natural that his influence would trickle down to the rest of the staff.

It’s not Kurt’s fault that he can’t resist a little bit of ass play during his down time, he’s just the product of his environment, much like the rest of this shitty team.